TUGS Abridged
by ToonGuy
Summary: The Tugboat, for it's size, is the most powerful craft afloat. That much is true. But there was a lot more going on behind the scenes of the short lived show than met the eye. Mostly, a lot of bickering. And a race to gain control over the waterways of the Bigg City that could cost those in charge everything. This is TUGS Abridged. Note: Will reference Thomas Abridged at points.
1. Sunshine Part 1

Hey there! Welcome to TUGS Abridged! Now, here's the deal. The average Tugs episode is longer than four Classic Thomas episodes combined and I want to get this out as soon as possible. So what I'm doing is I'm breaking it down into parts. For this one, there's either going to be two or three. Enjoy!

 _..._

 _August 1989._

CLICK.

"I would like to thank you, Captain Star, for agreeing to meet with me today. I understand that Star Tugs rests for no man or boat-"

"Oh please, dispense with the formality, David- If I may call you that? David. It's just Allan."

"Thank you, Allan."

"And the honor is mine. I'd been thinking about writing a book for a while now, but the arthritis hasn't made things easier, and it's so hard to come by a good secretary these days. I am curious though, how did you find me?"

"Actually, you can thank Sir Topham Hatt for that one. I'd found out he'd been doing business with you, and he mentioned that you had quite a number of tales to tell. I'm only sorry it took so long, production on my other series has slipped somewhat, and I imagine that this could not only provide the public with stories of your brave ships, but also could help a lot with that series as well."

"Always happy to lend a hand! So, where do you want to get started?"

"Well...actually, could you just tell us a bit about the Star Tugs, and indeed about yourself? I must admit, you were always a mystery to many people who did business with you."

"Well, at the time when the fleet was most active, business was booming. Admittedly, a lot of it has died down since then, but back then it was a cut-throat business. There were some captains of less morality based logic who were willing to actually kill to get their way. Hence the megaphone, which I believe is the rather enduring image of myself and the others at the time. It meant that not only could I be getting along with other things aside from helping my Tugs, but that my face was not recognizable to the public. And to my competitors."

"Ah. So, this business, it was competitive?"

"To say the least. No, back then, it was worse. There was less scrutiny for men of big business, hence there was more they could get away with. But eventually, everyone else failed. Bar one."

"We'll come to him in good time. Now- Hold on, that's my car going, I'll be back now."

"Of course."

CLICK.

...

CLICK.

"Sorry about that. Now, why do you think it was that the tugboat's, in particular, was such a crowded market."

"Well, the tugboat, for it's size, is among the most powerful crafts afloat. Get a good enough tug, and you can pull anything. And the Star Tugs, well, they were the power behind the docks and waterways that made up the Bigg City Port. I don't know if you can tell, but we're rather far out of the way compared to the other cities."

"Why the name?"

"Well, there were rumors that it was meant to ironic. Some anti-Capitalist politican created the city as a means to mock the commercialization of the trade. Alternatively, they may have just been really drunk and they didn't want to put in that much effort."

"I think I know which one I believe."

"Definitely."

"Just for the record, this is what I'm tentatively calling 'Tugs'. So, Allan, would you care to explain a bit about your business and what you did?"

"Gladly."

...

 _AT SOME POINT IN THE 1920'S._

 _"The scene is set. The 1920's. Age of Wodehouse, Hemingway and flappers. And of the greatest cold war on the waters. At the time, Bigg City Port was the biggest harbor in the world. At least, that's what the official press at the time stated. It was a time of change and great opportunity for all. And nobody knew this better than the hard working tugs, whose strength, big hearts and willingness to do anything for the almighty pound had won over everyone from tramp steamers to ocean liners. Important jobs in the port would keep them working night and day, but they...well, they complained a lot actually, but they did it. And my tugs, the Star Fleet, were no exception. Jokes were often cracked about how in forty years time, there may be a bigger organization that would become famous for that name. Now, at the time I'm thinking of, the most eventful in our history, I had about three harbor tugs._

 _There was OJ, the paddle-steamer, who was Welsher than a red dragon. The other two were large tugs that could take nearly anything that the world could throw at them, Big Mac and Warrior. The former was Scottish and knew it, while the latter was dumber than a box of rocks buried beneath a mound of dirt. There was also a railway tug, Top Hat, posher than the King and with about as much tolerance for anything strenous as a germ has for a healthy body. There was a switcher, Ten Cents, who had mastered the art of being both idealistic and cynical. And finally, Hercules, my camp ocean going tug._

 _They were a good crew, striving to be the best in the port...though they bickered like anything. They didn't always succeed, but they were proud of their work. And I still remember the day we got our first big break. It started like most, at dawn."_

 _..._

"Good morning Star-Fleet! Today I've managed to charter another switcher to help with the extra work! He's from up-river, and we all know what they're like!" Several agreeing shouts met this statement. "Ten Cents?" Ten Cents snapped to attention, his expression looking indignant that Captain Star would even assume that he had been doing something wrong.

Well. Was it wrong if Top Hat hadn't realized what had been thrown at him.

"He'll be working with you. Show him the ropes."

"Right Captain Star. Ere...what's his name?"

"Sunshine."

"Oh." Ten Cents smiled shiftily. "We sure he's a he?"

"Okay, okay, enough of that." But it wasn't.

"Sunshine!?" came the screech that still endeavored to sound somewhat posh. "Only good for day work is he?!"

"Might brighten you up a bit, Top Hat!" Ten Cents cackled. Hat glared and was about to move over to flick the bositerous tug in what passed for his ear when Big Mac and OJ moved in between the two of them.

"I resent that!"

"And now you know how we feel working with you!" said Big Mac cheerfully.

"Settle down." Star was firm but clearly amused. "Give Sunshine a chance. Apparently he annoyed everyone at his last harbor with a certain impediment of his, but we're out of luck. Now for the really good news!"

"We're getting rid of Top Hat!?"

"If only Big Mac. If only."

"Can I throw a party anyway?" asked Warrior, as usual somewhat unable to articulate the sarcasm.

"After a lot of hard bargaining, not to mention death threats, I've managed to land us the Ocean Liner contract." Gasps greeted this. It was rare enough that a tug even managed to see one of these ocean liners, much less help one in, especially in this port. "And it's one of the biggest around!"

"It's not Estonia, is it? That girl's got a real attitude problem." Ten Cents smirked. "But I reckon if push comes to shove-"

"No. Not Estonia. The Duchess!"

Impressed murmurs ran through the fleet. "Wowie! Boyo's, we're in the big businesses now!" OJ laughed, practically reveling in the Welshness of his accent.

"When she arrives this afternoon, the Star Fleet will bring her in to dock! But first we have to prove ourselves. We don't want a repeat of the Earl of Doncaster incident, do we?"

"One time!" fumed Top Hat. "One time you accidentally send a liner into a dock!"

"OJ you're in charge!"

"Aye aye sir!"

"Big Mac?"

"Sir?"

"You're leading."

"Aye. Fair enough." He glared at Top Hat. "An there'll be none of yer're mistakes again!"

"I resent the implication!"

"I resent your face!"

"Enough of that! Top Hat, Warrior, you're on the side push!"

Top Hat's face could be the textbook definition of 'Oh Lord, Why Me?' and Warrior...well Warrior just looked happy to be included. Ten Cents moved forward. "Ah! Not you Ten Cents! No work for switchers here!"

"No work for arseholes and yet you turned up." Amid the howls of laughter from the rest of the Star Fleet, and Captain Star covered the speaker so as not to broadcast that he found this amusing, Ten Cents accepted it. "Yeah, all right."

"Yeah, that's right! Big tugs only, Ten Cents!"

"Make sure you don't bump into her Warrior!"

"All right. Ten Cents, show Sunshine how to get the work done. Try not to kill anyone. And fast!"

"Anything else sir? Shopping? Knitting? Yeah right, I know."

"Now! The rest of you! Finish up early as you can so you can look as spic and span as you possibly can. Top Hat, I repeat my remark from last time that it's not a oppurtunity for you to put on your admiral's coat."

"Fine sir." said Top Hat through clenched teeth.

...

 _"Now, our biggest rival in those days was Captain Zero. With the Z-Stacks, he was always looking for ways to get further ahead. This included anything from trafficking stolen goods to out right sabotage."_

Five brown and black tugs stood to attention as a speaker was lowered out."Now listen ta me and listen good! The Star Fleet are about ta get the ocean liner contract."

The Z-Stacks said things too vulgar to print or say as Zero continued onwards.

"And I'm not happy!"

"We're not smiling, Captain Zero!" said Zorran, a rude ship that sounded like Kenneth Williams having his balls squeezed at the worst of times.

"I'm glad ye don't find it funny in the least, Zorran, because if you did you would be at the bottom of the ocean faster than ye could say ginger beer." The Five winced. He wasn't exaggerating. There had been a time when Star Tugs and Z Stacks had had equal numbers. Then the others had offended Zero somehow. Now they were merely five. "Now I want that contract and ye're going to get it for me! By hook or by crook!"

Murmurs swept through the five Tugs.

"But..." stammered Zip, a cheeky sod who tended to be somewhat baffled by most of the more devious plans cooked up by the Captain. "But I thought that, er-"

Zero rounded on Zip. "I DON'T EXPECT YE TO THINK, YA GREAT BILLOWING SASSANACH!"

"Oh."

"You're a team! The best, the better looking, the more powerful, and, dare I say, more devious!"

"I like that bit about better looking!" rumbled Zak, the third in the fleet and by far the most powerful. Strength wise. Brain wise, he was as thick as four planks and had a face like a smashed prune.

"Good for ye, Zak." The Captain muttered, somewhat patronizingly.

"Yes, but what's devious?!" Zip protested, having decided to ignore higher education to take up his life long desire of being a bit of a pillock.

"Devious!" snarled the Captain. "That is what is needed ta make a honest living in these days of corruption!" If one listened closer, you could hear him laughing to himself softly, before snapping back into business mode. "Not ta mention the bad business ethics!"

"Oh."

"NOW! Fire up those boilers and get to bloody work! I want that Duchess contract! Thur's no time to lose!" One thing to note about Captain Zero that when he grew angrier and more passionate, his accent grew stronger.

"No problem!" Zorran bragged. "Those bunch of clapped out old rusty sardine tins'll never know what hit em!"

"BULLETS!"

Everyone stopped and looked at Zak. He paused and coughed. "What, we're not-"

"Too devious." advised Zebedee, the second in command and also one of those who dithered a lot. You got the feeling when meeting him that his heart really wasn't into all this, and he was only putting it on because the alternative was learning how to blow bubbles through the hole in his throat.

"I'll take care of it if my name's not Zorran!"

Amid laughter, there came Zip's remark. "But it is Zorran!

Zorran closed his eyes. "Zug, just...just make sure he doesn't accidentally sink himself." Zip's carer and fellow prank puller, Zug, nodded gravely.

...

 _"In the morning, Hercules had a important contract up the coast. So I was to lose his great strength and ability to mostly get on with whatever he was doing, on the one day that we'd need it most. Because of course we would."_

Ten Cents hurried up, looking somewhat annoyed to be losing one of his closest friends. "Oi, Hercules! The Duchess is coming up this afternoon! Pity you won't be there! You can exchange make up tips!"

"Hardy ha, m'darling." Hercules grinned. "I know, I really hate to disappoint the Duchess on such a day."

"Yeah, right. Ere, I'm looking for a switcher? Name of Sunshine? You ain't seen im?"

"Fraid not, old dear."

"Yeah, right, of course, I mean he better show up. I have WORK to do today! I'm the pride of the harbor!"

"Thought that was me." Hercules headed off. "Be back tonight. Put the pie on, be a dear? Oh, and Ten Cents? Look after the Duchess for me!"

"Should I tell Lily you said that?" Ten Cents laughed as Hercules's face went beet red and he ended up backing into a wooden dock. Ten Cents glanced over and saw OJ steaming along.

"Ten Cents!" came the call "That switcher bloke found you yet?!"

"Nah, not yet! You haven't-"

"Ah! I have! He's been looking for you!"

"Where-" But OJ had hurried off, leaving Ten Cents to stare off into the distance. "Oh, of course. Better go look for the poor sod." He started out, past a barge of coal that blocked his line of sight.

This explains then, why he was promptly smacked right in the face by another switcher. Both let out a shout of surprise.

"Er, schorry! Schir!" schaid- Ahem, said the other tug. He looked genuinely worried and Ten Cents decided that getting angry at this point and getting his details would be far too much effort.

"Yeah, well, er, watch it...y'know, in future."

"I was, I was er, looking for Ten Cents?" The tug had a strange sort of whistling lisp, the effect of which was somewhat unusual. But then Bigg City had always been a place that was slightly more ahead of the times. Slightly.

"Yeah? Just found him."

"Ah! I'm, er, Schunschine! Schir!" He swallowed and with a great deal of effort repeated himself. "Sunshine, sir."

"Ah good to meet you...at last, I've been looking all over the bloody place! Look, let's get to work! Try and get you caught up! We're docking a ocean liner this afternoon!" He sighed. "For some reason. Hey, now we finish on time, we've got plenty of time to watch!"

"Yes schir!"

"Now-" Ten Cents chuckled. "Now look Sunshine, as much as I delight in having actual power for a change, this clearly isn't going to work. Only Captain Star's sir. And only then to his face. I'm just Ten Cents."

"Right! Er, schure thing Just Ten Cents!"

"Cheeky so and so."

...

"Well well! Look what the tide dragged in!"

"A dead seagull!" gasped Zak. "Can I keep it!?"

"Zak...stop." Zorran turned to face a rather large barge with a sombrero on his head and the most over the top Mexican accent until Mario. "Izzy Gomez"

"Eh, you guys, I need a tow." Izzy was actually probably not Mexican. In all honesty, he probably put on the accent in a attempt to trick tugs into thinking that he was a complete and utter idiot. Which...was a fair assessment of his actual character.

"We don't accept bananas as payment!" Zak paused. "Not anymore, anyway. Captain said that it wasn't a...a..."

"Valuable form of currency." Zorran stated, knowing that Zak and big words went together as well as peanut butter and seaweed.

"Eh, you two big shots, you are towing the Duchess, right?" Through the rather broken English, Izzy was clearly baiting the bull. Zorran, full of bull, took the bait.

"Ha! And what would you know about it you South American piece of junk!?" Zorran was definitely a tug of the 20's in this regard. Izzy was no better. He was actually from Hampstead, but he had a contract with San Juan Bananas, and this was the only way that he could think of to try and sell them.

"I know that I sit around waiting for somebody to tow me. The Duchess, she come in dis morning, suddenly everybody busy!"

Any self-respecting South American would have winced at this.

"But-" said Zak in a rare flash of common sense, or so he thought "-Duchess ain't due til this afternoon-"

"Shut it! Dinghy brain, let's move!" And with Zak muttering mutinously, they headed off, leaving Izzy to wonder where his life choices had lead him.

"Eh, whatta day! Gotta get a tow, gotta unload these bananas! Jeez, what does it take to get a tow!?"

...

"Yer're sure about this?" Zero was clearly interested despite himself.

"Seen it with my own eyes!" Zorran declared brazenly. Top Hat, in the background, looked at the three of them like he was staring at something a dog had done on the pavement, then carried on.

"Yeah!" said Zak, who was easily led. "We both seen it!"

This was pretty much the same thing as just Zorran seeing it, as Zak had once said he had seen a bunch of Nessies swimming back towards Scotland one time Zug had told him about it.

"Now I want that contract! And ye will get it for me! Got it?"

"Yes sir! Zorran was gleeful at the prospect.

"Anything. Ye will do anything to get that, got it?"

"Loud and clear, boss." Zorran's smirk grew wider, and the five tugs shared a laugh.

Zip broke the mood by asking "What are we laughing about, again?"

 **TO BE CONTINUED.**


	2. Sunshine Part 2

_"Lucky's Yard was where the vast majority of my ships tended to be fixed up. It was a place that tended to reek of alcohol, illegal substances and regretful encounters. This was in no small part to the fact that some idiot had placed it right next to the sea plane hanger. Which only had one sea plane. A female. Who was, shall we say, none too shy about flirting with the tugs. It had become a regular joke that one of the Star Tugs jobs was supplying fuel for Sally. And other such supplies. I tended not to ask."_

Sally had paddled out of her hanger to catch a glimpse of any particularly strong tugs to flirt with. Unfortunately, she only had Ten Cents and Sunshine. She would have to make do. "Hello Ten Cents. You're looking very, very well today. Who's the new friend?"

"Sunshine, meet Sally. She's a seaplane."

"I have eyes." noted Sunshine, and he was using them too. He coughed. "Halllllloooo sch-sch-schally!"

Sally thought privately that his lisp was rather cute. He wasn't too bad, in all honesty. Compared to Top Hat, who sort of let out odd over the top laughs, or the crude and less than subtle gestures of Big Mac. "Thanks for the fuel, fellas."

"Can't hang around though, Sal." Ten Cents sighed. "Afternoon is when the Duchess comes in. And finishing early, we can watch."

"So you like watching, eh?"

"What was that?"

"Nothing." said Sally innocently. Or as innocent as she could. "Okay. Tata fellas!"

"You said it, not me." said Ten Cents. "Hang on...oh here we are. Look at those Z Stacks. What are they up to?"

"Z Stacks?" Sunshine asked, confused.

"Oh, just a bunch of tossers. Probably trying to look threatening. I know for a fact that Zip sleeps with a teddy, so that scuppers that attempt."

...

Zorran had gathered a few of his tugs around to talk strategy. His attempts to be a credible threat often fell flat, mainly for the very simple reason that Zero was the real power behind the wheel. "Now listen." He said at last, having finally got everyone's attention. "Hercules is up the coast, so he's out of the way."

The others nodded. For all his camp mannerisms and his lazy, casual way of doing things, woe betide the tug who'd cross Hercules. Rumor had it that during the war he had travelled from the Bigg City to the Halifax Harbor, in Canada somehow managing to avoid nearly every bomb thrown at him to get a message through to the odd man simply known as 'The Dispatcher' for a shipment. What that shipment was had been wildly debated. They snapped back as Zorran continued.

"Now Big Mac is the strongest Star left, and he's probably the most quick to violence. But he's not Herc, he ain't got the brains to make his attacks count for anything. We knuckle him, we get the liner contract."

"But he's bigger than we are!" wailed Zip, who was not a expert in much, but he was a black belt in knowing when to run away.

"He's towing barges, you great dummy! Now his route is close to the mudbanks, which means, okay?" Zorran waited for the others to become on the same wavelength as he. It would take a while. Probably even a full century.

Zip spoke first. "Yeah, so?"

"SO!" snapped Zorran, deciding that waiting would surely make sinking look like heaven. "You. Stuff him onto one! Capiche?"

"My name's Zip sir!"

"Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!" Zorran took a long breath. "Zug?"

"You've done it before Zip, so you'll soon catch on." Zug had once carried Peter Lorre on a trip. He had never gotten over this, and so used the accent whenever he talked. He was really from Liverpool, and Zebedee and Zorran refused to associate with him outside of work on principle.

"Yeah, I'll, er, catch on! Zorran sir!"

"You'd better, you... muffin!" Zorran was tired. It can be forgiven that he had given up on creative insults at this point in the day. "Do it fast. Get to it fast. NOW."

"Devious, man, devious."

"Zip, that doesn't make you sound cool. It makes you sound like a-" Ten Cent's horn drowned out the curse aimed at Zip.

...

Warrior was busy that day, and so was thinking about heading to bring a shipment of rusted parts to where they stored their wrecks. So he went to store them near Izzy Gomez.

"Ehhh, Warrior, my old friend. I need a toe, comprehende?"

Now Warrior was not even in the shed, that's how dull a tool he was. But he knew that Izzy was about as Mexican as Queen Victoria. "No time to argue about fees today, Izzy. Got work to do. Proper work."

"When do I argue compardre? Is only a hundred dollars." At least that was what Izzy apparently said. Even by his standards, his fake accent was thick that day. Warrior scrunched his face up. Better to get it out of the way, he reasoned.

"Yeah yeah, all right, better get you in fast though. Duchess being brought in tomorrow. And I need time to get ship shaped." He laughed at his own pun.

"Bu'my friend!" slurred Gomez, having drunk a lot the previous night. "The Duchess, she already here!"

"Whaaaa?" said Warrior, baffled beyond his small mind. "She can't be!"

"Si! I hear her already!"

"Oh suffering stacks! The others'll want to know! Sorry Izzy! I'll tow you later!"

"WHY COMPARDRE?!" wailed Izzy, like his best friend had just been murdered in front of him.

...

 _"Zip and Zug knew exactly where to find Big Mac. How, I'm not sure. It's possible that loose lips did, indeed, sink ships. Either way, somehow the information had got to Zorran somehow, and I've yet to work out how. They were both waiting for him."_

Mac glared out of the corner of his eye as the two mischief makers sidled up besides him.

"Need a hand, heh, Big Mac old buddy?"

"Well, I, er-" Mac should have seen it coming, but it was a hot day and he was stressed. He wasn't used to Z-Stacks being actually helpful, so this threw him off his guard.

"Well, I mean, heh, it's a nice day Big Mac, so we thought we'd try and spread some happiness!" Zip was chipper. He was good at being chipper. It was one of the few things that he was any good at.

"Yeahhh, like helping our mates!"

"I mean, can't go past and just see one struggle and bear it!"

"Oh, thanks fellas! I'll be back in grand time for tha Duchess!"

"Idiot." snickered Zug.

"Wha was that?"

"Nothing!"

 _"Big Mac had no idea that the Z-Stacks were laying a trap for him. How could he, when seconds later, he spotted Zebedee and Hercules talking to each other while the latter headed back to the coast? He had no way of knowing that Hercules had his own agenda, and was trying to throw Zebedee off the scent, not that there was a alliance of Star Tugs and Z-Stacks suddenly."_

...

Upstream, the rest of the Star Tugs had gathered back together, as Ten Cents and Sunshine hurried up. OJ glanced to them. "Ten Cents, boyo! You seen Big Mac around here?!"

"Not since this morning. There a problem?"

"Great Thundering Eisteddfod's, you won't believe it, but the Duchess is due in early! Thanks to Warrior we've been able to mostly make sure that we've got a nice and clear path for her, but we need him to bring her in." OJ sighed

"No...nah, no I haven't seen him since the briefing."

OJ snapped into professional mode. "You two! Go and look for im! The rest of us will have to try and manage until he gets there! Bloody nuisance!" OJ was angry, but he managed to keep it under a veil of annoyance more than anything.

Warrior was concerned. Top Hat was arrogantly preening.

"Come on lads! We better get to work!"

"Ohhhh!" wailed Top Hat. "The Duchess isn't going to like this."

"Yeaaaah." slowly droned Warrior. Top Hat groaned. He was beginning to think Captain Star had given him Warrior to see which one would kill the other first. It was working.

Boats along the port stopped and stared in amazement as a long. loud whistle rang out. Steam engines at stations waiting to head off looked on in awe as the mighty and powerful Duchess entered the harbor.

"I hope Big Mac gets here soon, Top Hat." growled Warrior, straining with the pulling of the great liner. "Ain't gonna be a easy one, and no mistake!"

"Yes!" Top Hat sniveled. "Where is he?!" He glanced and shivered at the stern gaze of the Fire Chief, known for being somewhat of a...overzealous boat. He did not want to mess up at this point, and he kept his eyes firmly on the lookout for any piers to avoid. "We'll never manage without Big Mac!"

OJ agreed. "Ah, but I'm worried about this, see! We'll need elp to dock her!" He grimaced as the Duchess, never a particularly helpful one at the best of times, angrily tugged at him. "Come on Big Mac! Where are you!?"

...

Ten Cents scowled. He was cold, and cross and wanted to go back. But he continued on, and saw with some surprise what appeared to be a beached whale in the mud bank. He peered closer. "Big Mac?! Ere! What happened?!"

Big Mac shook his head, trying to clear some of the cobwebs. "I'm naw sure! Zip and Zug were givin me a hand, next thing I knew I wass on this sand bank! They went for help!"

"And you believed them!?"

"They didn't, did they?"

"Nah. They didn't." Ten Cents was grim. "They're dirty crooks, those two! Even worse than Top Hat and not paying at Lucky's!"

"Ha!" laughed Big Mac.

"Come on, let's get you out of ere-" The large booming bass of the Duchess's whistle rang out across the ocean.

"There's no time!" Big Mac was panicked. "Tha's the Duchess! She's at the pier! You! Go and take control! OJ's a bit of a prat, but he'll tell ye what ta do!"

"But I've never-"

"You can do this!" Big Mac snapped, a mixture of annoyance and pride fighting each other. "Get goin! Got ta show the Duchess the stuff that the Star Fleet are made of!"

"Metal, mostly."

"Don't get sassy with me, Ten Cents!"

"Yeah right, I'll come back later!"

Big Mac sighed as he watched Ten Cents paddle away. It was just he and the sandbank. Unless there were any hidden treasures in there. Probably not, knowing his luck. He vaguely wondered if the Scottish twin engines he had met at the station ever had to put up with this. Stupid sassanachs.

...

"The Star Fleet was doing their best without Big Mac. Top Hat was sweating profusely, OJ was singing hymns under his breath to calm his nerves and Warrior was turning redder than a sunburnt lobster. For a while, it even looked like they were actually going to make it. But the inevitable happened. Zorran was there, waiting for another chance. And while the entire Port had their eyes fixated on the Duchess, he and the other Z-Stacks were waiting."

"Looks like your plan didn't work, Zorran!" Zip said, not aware of the thin ice he was now floating on.

"Hmm." said Zorran, tuning out the loud and obnoxious frequency that was Zip. "Now, if only I could get rid of that switcher Sunshine!"

"Thinking devious, eh Zorran?"

"Thinking contract, Zip. Different. Look at em, they've slowed her right back!" He coughed, took on a far deeper voice and shouted out. "Look at those garbage barges! Look at how slow they're taking in such a fine ship!"

"Just ignore him." OJ wheezed to Warrior, who was already itching for a fight.

 _"And it was at this point, that the tricky part of the docking operation began. Yes, all of that was the preliminaries. The real battle was about to begin. Zorran watched carefully. One could never argue that he was not cunning in some regards. Ten Cents and Sunshine had taken up their new jobs, checking the Duchess, before Sunshine was ordered by OJ, who was so busy watching everything and everyone, to get out of the way."_

"Pay attention boys." smirked Zorran. "This is where we get the contract, and where we get our respect!"

"By beating up a unarmed tug?"

"Damn right Zip!"

 _"When he thought no one was looking, he moved hard on Sunshine! He hit the switcher right on the back, sending him hurtling into the rudder of the big liner!"_

"WAAARGH!" Sunshine had never been hit that hard before, and his head was currently pounding from the impact of the rudder.

"I say!" Top Hat snapped, his already angry attitude not made better by the tension. "What's going on!? Get your switcher pal under control, Ten Cents!"

"I've got her, OJ! Don't worry!" Zorran moved in, right besides Ten Cents.

 _"The unimaginable had happened! The Star Fleet had had to accept help from the Z-Stacks. It may not seem like much to you now, but this was the tug version of America having to ask Russia for help on a economic downturn! As Zorran cackled, every tug around felt their faces fall."_

"Oh." Zip grinned. "So that's devious!" He frowned. "I still don't get it." No one noticed, in all the chaos, Izzy Gomez frowning in some concern, or at least as much as his attempt to out racist Uncle Tom would allow him.

The Z-Stacks suddenly seemed to be crawling out of the woodwork, as if they had been waiting in the shadows for Zorran to play his part. "Well done Zorran!"

"Nice one!"

"MARRY ME ZORRAN!"

Sunshine, meanwhile, had shrunk significantly. He tried to make himself as small as possible, and then even smaller.

Zorran backed away, gleefully drinking in the praise. "Glad to be of service! Anytime! No, you're the best! Oh Madam, restrain yourself! Come to my dock later, and we can carry on getting acquainted! Party at Captain Zero's!"

 _"Ashamed and confused, and most all, somewhat wounded, Sunshine couldn't explain what had happened. Probably a good thing too that he didn't try. Top Hat would have likely have ripped his face off. He didn't know that the sleepy tramper Izzy had been watching the whole incident, and was already making a note of it to blackmail someone with."_

...

"Anyone ever told you that you have a really nice narrating voice?"

"Frequently! Thank you for mentioning."

...

"I can't believe they made us come to this." growled Top Hat.

"It's not even that fun." Warrior muttered.

"I swear to god, I'll send that switcher to Davy Jones, so I will!" howled OJ. The three tugs caught sight of Sunshine on the edge of the port. Sunshine took one look at them and rapidly began heading off into the distance.

"No one'll ever want to talk to me again! I wasch better off with Schally."

Elsewhere, while Zorran had fended off his fangirls for the moment, he was giving a report to Captain Zero. The Orcardian was delighted. "Well well well. Well well well well well well well well."

Zorran was aware that this was a sort of test of how long he could stomach the Captain not giving judgement.

"Well-"

"Er, sir?"

"I congratulate ye two. Zip, ye don't count."

"I do need to learn how to get past four!" Zip agreed wholeheartedly.

"Thank you sir!"

"Sir!"

"Good man, Zorran. Right attitude. Oooh yes, one thing-" Here the Captain sounded nervous. "No one saw ye, did they? Not even little...er, what's his name?"

"Er, Two Cents?"

"Two Cents. Or the other one, er?"

"Sunshine!? No, no one saw us!" Zak was confident. So confident that Captain Zero decided to briefly put aside his mistrust of Zak and accept his word at face value.

"Gooood, that's verra good! I'll offer our services to the Duchess liners tomorrow. It won't just stop there! The Fulton Ferry, SS Vienna, all of them will come a-flocking to us! And the Star Tugs won't possibly be able to deal with it!"

"Poor little Sunshine!" cackled Zak. "Wasn't his night, was it?!"

"Nah, you're right! Now, if you don't mind!" Zorran turned back. "There are two very amorous sea planes who I need to pay some attention to!"

...

Elsewhere, Izzy was being more ethnically insulting than usual. "Eh, looks like Warrior forget me, oh mi mi what I do now?"

"Okay, for the record!" snarled a ACTUAL Mexican boat. "That is highly offensive and so help me I will run you into the banks if you don't stop it!"

"Try and stop me, buddy."

Growling, the Mexican tramper hurried away, leaving Izzy to his skulking. "What about my bananas!" He wailed aloud.

"OH SHUT UP!" said the rest of the Port.

...

The various Star Tugs were gathering around a selection of cold pints to get their grievances out in the open. Ten Cents became aware that at this point, defending Sunshine would be like throwing himself to the wolves.

"Night Warrior." he said at last as Warrior headed off.

"Night Ten Cents." With that, Warrior fell asleep. Ten Cents looked around. He could probably take Top Hat in a fight. Maybe. And OJ was practically infirm. With Warrior asleep he had more of a chance.

"Maybe I should try and find Sunshine. You know, I mean, want to make sure he's okay." Top Hat turned on Ten Cents like he had suggested that Germany wasn't the natural enemy of the English.

"What do you mean?! WHAT FOR?!" Top Hat grew steadily more angry at this affront to national pride, at least how he saw it. "That...That...TRAITOR!"

"Top Hat, we accepted you back after your little dock incident. We all make mistakes. He must be feeling terrible!"

"So he should after all the trouble he caused!"

Ten Cents paused. "Wait, why am I trying to debate sympathy and understanding with you!? You're a prat!" He turned to OJ "What do you say, OJ?"

OJ had calmed down significantly since the fireworks had stopped blasting in his ear. "Aaaah. Sup to you." He turned back, Land of my Father blasting in his own head to try and drown out the desire to throttle everyone and take over the harbor for himself.

Ten Cents's cynicism and idealism warred with each other for a moment. As per usual, his idealism reluctantly took the victory"Ah. Well. Don't wait up."

"There he goes!" Top Hat groused as Ten Cents vanished. "Always playing Mr Nice Guy! Do you know, he tried to imply that I didn't have any sympathy! And that I'm pompous! The nerve!"

"Yes." OJ said with complete deadpan. "How could he ever make that mistake?"

"What a boooore!" Top Hat settled back to rest.

...

Ten Cents crept through the almost abandoned city. The silence was somewhat surprising, but then Ten Cents supposed that everyone was so exhausted from the party that they had simply packed it in. "Can't see much." he said out loud to himself. "Can't believe I'm talking to myself again. I promised I would stop doing that, why am I still doing this right now?!"

He paused, took a deep breath and shouted out. "SUNSHINE!" He paused, and then tried again. "SUNSHINE! For god's sake, let's talk about this!"

"I'll never live thisch down!" came a response. Ten Cents paused. Now where was it? "Juscht when I really had a chance! Nice going idiot! Who's gonna want me, now?!"

"Sunshine!"

"Ten Cents?!" Sunshine felt a great pain in his rudder. "OH great! He'll never forgive me and there'll be parts of me scattered from here to Timbuktu if he finds me!" He hurried off into the smoke. The city always produced smoke as one of the busiest areas of industrialism in Britain at the time, and this gave him the chance to slip away before Ten Cents could find him.

"SUNSHINE!" In the distance, Ten Cents could hear Puffa, the dockyard train, heading off. That meant that it was getting to morning. Though not dawn, he still had time before he had to report back.

By now he was worried. Actually worried for Sunshine's safety.

"Swear to god this is the last time I go out on a limb for anyone." he muttered as he plunged on into the night. He jumped out of his skin as another boat hurried past, hooting angrily.

Ten Cents may have lost it at this point, and spent the next two minutes screaming out fouler variations on "SUNSHINE! WHERE ARE YOU!?" until his throat gave out.

"Oh schit!" Sunshine remarked.

"Sun...SUNSHINE!"

"Oh I don't want to be here right now."

"Are you there!?"

Sunshine almost responded "No." but he wisely kept his mouth shut.

"So goddamn hard to see, SUNSHINE FOR GOD'S SAKE COME OUT OF THERE OR I SWEAR I WILL THROW YOU TO TOP HAT! RAWWWWWWWWW!" _Okay, maybe that was a little over the top, dial it back Ten Cents._ He spotted a light off in the distance. "Lillie! He must be out there!"

Sunshine sighed, pessimistically. "I schould probably just head home. Not much point in schtopping here."

Ten Cents was practically feeling around in the dark, until at last, he reached the light.

"Hiiii Ten Cents." came the voice.

"Well hello there Ten Cents!" came a familiar voice. Hercules smirked, as he stood next to his girlfriend, Lillie Lightship. She was responsible for lighting the way for Tugs who worked at night. Which made it easy for Hercules, whenever he was doing his deals, to come and visit.

"Lillie! Hercules! Oh thank god you're back! Things went up a certain creek without a paddleboat!"

"Only temporarily. Why, what's the problem old chap? Everything go smoothly with the Duchess?"

"Er...no."

"Oh?" Hercules's eyebrows were raised.

"Why shouldn't it?" asked Lillie, obviously somewhat concerned.

"Uh, well I mean, everything went fine! She docked!"

"In one piece?"

"In one piece. And...er...everything. No, erm, I was just looking for Sunshine." He looked hopefully at Lillie. "Hoped maybe you'd seen him?"

"Why no." purred Lillie.

"Ah." Ten Cents cursed internally. "Just a thought. Ah well. See ya!"

"Bye Ten Cents!"

"Take care!"

The two watched until the little switcher had left. Lillie turned to Hercules. "He's in trouble."

"Undoubtably." Hercules sighed. "I suppose it's Herc to the rescue again."

"I'd come, but I have to make sure the rest of the city is kept lit up." Lillie looked him in the eyes. "Be careful. And when you get back...mind telling me what a certain crate from Muffle Mountain was doing here?"

Hercules choked. He put on a smile. "Oh, I'll...I'll fill you in on all the details. Some day."

...

"Got to get home somehow...Fog's thick. Can't believe it!" Sunshine looked up to the heavens. "ARE YOU TRYING TO HINT AT SCHOMETHING?!" He closed his eyes. "Which way? Gotta get me bearings sorted."

"Wonder where Sunshine went!" Ten Cents muttered aloud. "It's not even worth it, probably! He's probably already gone back to the Port already! Why am I even out here, I barely know the guy!" He groaned. "Creepy and chilly! Just my luck!"

There was a odd sort of growling noise, and Ten Cents jumped. "Ere...ere what's that?! That's not GOOD! Who's there!"

"Is only me."

Ten Cents closed his eyes. "I'm going home. I am not putting up with you tonight."

"Warrior promised me a tow!"

"Sorry Izzy...well I'm not, but I've got to find Sunshine!"

"Why? Wassa matter?" Izzy's accent was slurred with sleep, but there was definitely...something.

"Disappeared. Suppose he's ashamed after causing the accident with the Duchess."

Izzy's eyes widened a fraction. "Sunshine didn't cause any accident. I saw it. Zorran pushed him."

Ten Cent's jaw dropped. Then it closed. "Oh...of course he did. You're sure?"

"As sure as I've got a load of bananas and I need a tow." Izzy's accent had dropped. There was a slight bit of force now in his voice.

"Wait a mo! I must tell the others!"

"Eh?! What about my tow?!"

Ten Cents was gone.

Izzy screamed into the void for a moment, and then decided to go to sleep.

...

"RISE AND SHINE EVERYONE!"

"Is it the Germans!? Are they back!?" Top Hat puffed up at the sky. "YOU WON'T GET ME YET, WILHELM!"

"Listen! Izzy told me! He saw everything!"

"What?!" OJ was awake now. "Sleepy Izzy? Izzy 'What won't I do for a tug' Gomez? What did he see?!"

"He saw the accident- I mean, the reason!"

"So what?!" Top Hat was miffed that it wasn't Jerry who was attacking them. "He had it. That's enough. Should be burned at the stake."

"Zorran hit Sunshine! That's what made him crash into Duchess! Izzy saw it!"

OJ groaned. "Now that you mention it, it is odd how Zorran appeared so quickly. You're rrrright Ten Cents! Izzy could have seen everything!"

"He did! Look, you have to believe him this time! Why would he lie?! Sunshine isn't a clumsy tug, I've worked with him for a little before the Duchess, and I can tell you he wouldn't be so stupid!"

"All right, all right!" OJ smiled. "Now, you've looked everywhere for im? Everywhere, have you Ten Cents!?"

"Yeah! I mean, even as far as Lillie!"

OJ thought hard. "Well...now if I was Sunshine-"

"You'd have a lot of regrets?"

"Hush Top Hat. I guess I would try and make it home. Clear out of dodge, as it were."

"Yeah...OH I'M A IDIOT. Of course! Upriver! Come on! We need to get this sorted out!"

OJ took charge. "Now, you lot, after him! I'll stay here and give Captain Star the update!"

There was a loud sigh. Warrior looked glum. "Poor Sunshine. We done him wrong."

"Uneloquent, but true." Big Mac remarked. "Ah'm with you Ten Cents! Come on Warrior! Top Hat!"

"Well...I am doing nothing better."

"You're doing nothing at all."

...

 _"It's as well they did set out to look for Sunshine. He had gotten into some bother. He was holed up on the sand banks, and was now in danger of sinking."_

"Oh aye. Not the lads."

"Found him!" Ten Cents looked over Sunshine with concern. "Look, what a mess! We're gonna need a crane!"

"Doesn't matter really. You can tear me apart now, you don't need to bring me back to the port. I descherve it."

Top Hat coughed. He had been pressured by both Big Mac and Warrior into doing this, and the words felt wrong coming out of his mouth at the moment. "Er, matter of fact, we found out it wasn't your fault." He laughed sheepishly. "So everything's all right now."

"Eh?"

"An apology from Top Hat. It's the closest thing you'll get. Don't believe it. Treasure this memory."

"Ya think Captain Star would have us back?"

"I'm sure he will! I mean, Izzy told me everything!"

There was a pause, and Warrior rushed off. "I COMPLETELY FORGOT!"

...

The Z-Stacks were silent.

"SO IT TURNS OUT YE WERE SEEN!" Captain Zero was angry. Angrier than he had been in a while. Zebedee had made excuses and made sure to get as far away from the other four as he could.

"Impossible!" wailed Zorran. "I made sure! I made triply sure!"

"DON'T ARGUE WITH ME, ZORRAN! YE WERE SEEN! Now that bitch the Duchess knows what ye did, and WE DON'T GET THE CONTRACT! WHAT KIND OF IDIOTS DO I HAVE WORKING FOR ME?!"

"Really devious"

"SHUT UP ZIP.."

"Sorry Captain Zero."

"Yeah, sorry."

"Sorry."

"SORRY?! SORRY!?" Captain Zero couldn't scrap them. But he was going to shout. A lot.

...

 _"And at the docks, I made sure to finish off the whole caper."_

"A few days ago, we salvaged the switcher, Sunshine! He was taken to Lucky's Yard, I am glad to tell you that little to no damage was done aside from his wounded pride and insomnia. Now as for us, we've learned a valuable lesson! Trust! Friendship! Other cutesy stuff they put on the back of motivational posters! I think we have Ten Cents to thank for that! And for the rest of us-" He glared at Top Hat, who squirmed. "-about jumping to conclusions before knowing the truth. Now I know you're all proud of being Star Tugs-"

Hercules sat there. He had made sure that Captain Zero knew exactly what had happened. And his cargo was safe.

That's a story for another day.

"-But the most important thing in my fleet, after hard work, is that my tugs always be true, honest and forgiving! Now, look to port!"

Everyone did, and Ten Cents laughed. "Nice livery mate!"

"I would like you to welcome our newest recruit! Sunshine! I am proud to have you on my fleet."

Ten Cents idled up alongside. "Nice kit. Welcome aboard!"

"Thank's Schkipper! Bonny new colors, right?!"

"TO SUNSHINE!" came the rallying cry.

 _End of Episode 1_


	3. Pirate Part 1

Oh my god, how did it take so long to do this!? Er, I hope you enjoy, thanks for the reviews, apologies for lateness, and OH HECK I'VE GOT TO START CATCHING UP, HAVEN'T I? CUE THE THEME, CUE THE THEME!

...

CLICK.

"All right, resuming discussion. So, er, Allen, what happened after Sunshine joined the fleet?"

"Hmm...well things certainly picked up a bit. Part of the problem back in those days was that the bigger corporations and businesses were harder to deal with if they ended up doing something that was not...cricket, I believe the expression still is. So we couldn't exactly go to the authorities about the activities of the Z-Stacks until things got far worse. But Sunshine soon began to fit in more and more, mostly because by this point all the Star Tugs were still being their usual happy selves."

"Sarcasm?"

"Sarcasm indeed. But there was a incident that sort of melted the icy relationships with the Z-Stacks for a time."

...

 _"Now the time I'm remembering was at a point where the days were long, and they were exhausting. At the end of a really large and particularly large tiring day, there was still one more job to do. Top Hat had called 'dibs' on not doing that job for the rest of his life, and I honestly didn't trust him that much to argue. I had decided on a very fair system of randomly assigning it to the first Tug I saw, because good business practices were still a in progress thing at the time. As Ten Cents was the first home, it was his unfortunate responsibility to take control. He took it well-"_

"BALLS CAPTAIN STAR! WHY CAN'T IT EVER BE BIG MAC?!"

 _"-if by well you mean like a child. There were engineering parts that needed to go to a old dredger we did work with called Scuttlebutt Pete, so as they could start work in the morning. An interesting fact for you Mr Mitton, in that workshop was created machines similar to one's I've seen in Spottiswood & Company on the television. Yes, Pete was ahead of his time. It's a pity in retrospect that we never talked more, before his tragic demise in 1986. But back to the matter in hand. See, I knew that Ten Cents wouldn't be happy, not just because of lateness, but because Zero had put the Z-Stacks on the same run."_

It was lucky that Captain Zero had not actually been the one delegating, because having Zip and Zug on this particular job would, on any other night, be the equivalent of suicide. And there would have usually been a fire by this point.

"Eh up, Zip." remarked Zug. "Look what the wind blew in!"

"A butterfly!" gasped Zip in wonder.

Zug smiled patiently and gently steered his friend in the right direction. "That way. Good two screws and no mistake!"

"Aye up Zug. Oh, and whatever the hell Zip is." Ten Cents shrugged. "Now, where do you want these?"

"What is it?"

"It's a bag of Easter eggs- What do you think? It's a barge for the engineers!"

"Eh, too late, mate."

"Too la- Are you dense? This isn't needed until the morning, and it's not even gone fully dark yet!"

"We might have-" began Zip, who wouldn't know subtly if if ran up him, flashed him and lit a match in a gunpowder factory.

"Too late!" argued Zug, seeing a chance to manipulate Ten Cents even more. "No point now! Dark soon!"

Ten Cents was not amused with Tweedledumb and TweedleDumber, and scoffed. "Enough of that, I've had a really long pissing day and I would like to just drop these off, kay? Where do you want it?"

"Eager beaver, isn't he?" Zug muttered loudly, in a way that indicated that he really didn't care about hiding his feelings.

"Well you can't play Two Cents, can you, Zug, he has a reputation to keep up to, after all! I mean, the best tugs in the harbor-"

"YAWN YAWN!" Zug said, winking slyly at Zip. "All work and no play makes Ten Cents a dull tug!"

Ten Cents was currently thinking that he really should emigrate to Spain to avoid having such asinine conversations. "So do you want this or not? Cause I can shove it up your arses, or I could go tell Captain Zero exactly-"

This was enough to get Zug to change his tune. "Moor it by the old quay! if you're not too knackered, eh, am I right, Zip!?" The two of them descended into cackling fits while Ten Cents slowly edged away from them, vaguely wondering if they made a Bedlam for boats, and if so, could he get Zip and Zug sectioned? It would clearly be a service to humanity, and boatkind, if he did so.

...

"Okay you old pile of guts. Settle here for the night." Ten Cents was unwittingly being a racist towards the barge, but at this point, he was so tired that he would have sworn that Izzy Gomex was actually the nationality he claimed to be, so maybe we should cut him some slack. He was just about to lead, when he heard a very soft noise. It almost sounded like a horn going off. "Hello? Ere, hello?"

No answer.

"That's isn't you, is it Sunshine? You're not trying to convince Top Hat that ghosts are real again, are you? Because I'd like to not have to read him a bedtime story and fetch him hot milk this time! ...Big Mac? ...Well for god's sake, say SOMETHING!"

Nothing once again.

Ten Cents jumped in the air as a light whistle pierced the evening air. "Blood and stomach pills! Sunshine, you nearly gave me a coromary!"

"Coronary. Ten Cents. It'sch a coronary. Hold up there, Ten Cents!"

"Sunshine! Oh, you sneaky bugger, it was you! Why didn't you answer?! I mean, I expect that from Top Hat, being so snooty that you can't even get a acknowledgement from him, but-"

"What are you blabbering on about?" Sunshine looked perturbed. "You haven't been drinking again, have you?"

"One time, Sunshine. One time I get drunk! It's not my fault that the dock manager decided to build his pier in my way!" Ten Cents rolled his eyes as he glanced about. "In here! I just called you and you apparently didn't think I was worthy of your time!"

"Now whose acting like Top Hat?"

"Low blow, Sunshine. Low blow."

"Anyway, it couldn't have been me. Just got here." He sniffed his nose. Sunshine had managed to accidentally inhale some suspicious powder earlier, encouraged by Big Mac, the rascal. "You, er, heading home?"

"Wha- Oh, yeah, yeah. Come on. Probably a little tired." He squinted his eye one last time towards the direction of where the barge was parked, and for a moment, he swore he saw a flash of a white face vanishing around the corner from Scuttlebutt's yard. However, his mind was suddenly occupied by the realization that something was bubbling close by him. "What?"

"Night Ten Cents! Night Sunshine!"

"Oh." Ten Cents laughed sheepishly. "Night Grampus!"

Grampus was a old submarine, regularly used by the military for the embarrassing jobs that no one really wanted to do, like cutting ribbons, and examining things that could be bombs, but could also just be someone's idea of a sick joke. Grampus got little respect from the military, which meant that most of the tugs tended to look upon him with a form of pity. No one liked the navy's presence in the harbor, not least because they brought Admiral Bluenose with them.

Shrugging, Sunshine headed off, followed closely by Ten Cents. The two chatted away together, Sunshine describing the rollicking that OJ had given Top Hat that morning, and Ten Cents providing a rather decent impersonation of Top Hat and his mannerisms.

There was no one left to guard the barge.

As night fell, and the warm hues of the evening were replaced by the inky blue darkness that meant nearly every self-respecting person in the Bigg City was asleep, the barge drifted there, slowly and gently. It wasn't going anywhere, so it might as well enjoy itself.

 _"That night, a shadowy vessel slid into the harbor. Our security really needed work, and Scuttlebutt, for all of his genius, was a rather eccentric old coot when it came to protecting things. Even his own work "_

The ship was about the size of Ten Cents, with a squat little face that was deathly white, with a brief bit of stubble that graced his chin, and a eye patch covering his right eye. His livery was almost entirely black and brown, with the exception of his aforementioned face, which, though no one knew this at the time, was the result of losing many red blood cells.

The figure glanced at the barge with something approaching glee, but tinged with just a little hint of doubt. He spoke with a Irish accent, a strong one too "Ah, as sure as me mother's name was Pearl, this looks like what I'm after. Engineering parts...not too shabby, if I do say so meself."

 _"Unseen, and unheard, the dark stranger...not that I'm being racist, hitched his rope upon Ten Cent's barge, and floated off into the night as quickly as he had arrived. He slipped silently into the mist."_

"OW! Who put that f**king buoy there?!"

 _"-almost silently, into the mist. Zip and Zug were going to be in for a surprise the very next morning."_

...

"WHAT A SURPRISE!" bellowed Zip.

"It's too loud for that, Zip." moaned Zug, who looked on at the area where the barge should have been with bafflement. "Where is it?! I thought I told that goody goody Ten Cents to leave the barge here!"

"You did! I was there! I can be a character witness! Round by the old quay, Zug. Your very words!"

"I always said Star Tugs couldn't be relied on!"

"No, that's always Zorran. You always just sort of cackle and nod your stack in a knowing way. Ohhh, he's going to catch it from Captain Star!"

"Catch wha- Oh! OH yes!" Zug was slightly ashamed. Usually it was Zip who said idiotic things like that. He felt as though spending time with Zip was damaging his mental health somewhat. "Well, he will once we tell him!"

And the two of them cackled off like two hyenas in town for a hyena convention. It was a apt comparison, as like hyenas, they laughed a lot for no reason, were generally looked down upon, were the comedy relief of the animal kingdom and usually got nothing better to eat than bones. Captain Zero was very strict about their diet, that was for certain.

...

"OI! GOLD STANDARD!"

Ten Cents rolled his eyes as Zip and Zug rolled up to him, the very pictures of moral outrage. These two things went as well together as peanut butter and warfare, so the Star Tug was immediately suspicious that Zug had finally decided to fulfill his lifelong dream of becoming a actual horror villain and was here to try and go on a murderous rampage. "What do you want? Captain Star wants to see me. Probably to give me a medal."

"We want to see him too!" Zug stated, taking the moral high ground, at least until it threw him off ten seconds later. "What'd you do with our barge?!"

"I left it there, didn't I?!"

"It's not where it should be!"

"So it's not up your arse, is it?"

"We'll get the blame!" Zug raged, trying and failing to hide the fact that he was rather impressed with that quip. It came after so long of listening to the stupid remarks made by Zip that even minor comebacks seemed like wit worthy of the Marx Brothers.

"But I delivered it! ...Yeah, by the old quay! Ask Sunshine! Or Grampus!"

"We all know that Sunshine would say that you could fly to the moon if you asked him to. And Grampus is so old, he makes OJ look like Basil Rathbone! And he's as blind as a bat!"

"But...you saw me! Directly! With your eyes! I mean, I know Zip is so stupid he's probably forgotten-"

"OI!"

"Well it's not there now." slyly remarked Zug.

Ten Cents felt his cheeks warm up. This was usually a tell tale sign that he was beginning to lose what little hold he had on his temper. "You moved it to wind me up, haven't you!?"

"You have double-crossed us!" snarled Zip, putting his Shakespearean acting skills (That was sarcasm, in case you couldn't tell) to great use.

"I HAVEN'T, YOU TAKE THAT BACK!"

Things were getting rather antsy, and would have probably devolved into a rather odd battle, if not for Captain Star's booming voice cutting across. "What's going on out there?! It's TOO early the morning for this malarkey!"

Zug saw his chance "Er, Captain Star, it's like this, see, er, Ten Cents ain't delivered no barge! Er, our barge, to be exact!"

"I DID! You know I did!"

"He did NO SUCH THING!" raged Zug, attempting to stick his rudder firmly on the moral high ground, and only partly succeeding in that enterprise. "It's not there! It's not! It's not! It's not!"

"All right!" snapped Captain Star, who was aware that Zug was doing the boat version of stamping up his feet and jumping up and down with clenched fists, and was too tired for that sort of thing right now. "That's enough! What do they teach you at Zero's? How to do a good Oliver Twist impression? More more more! All you want! Besides, I've already had a complaint from the clients, now get on your bike and be on your way, before I let Big Mac loose on you! He's still bitter about you two shoving him into the banks that one time!"

"Oooh eck!" said Zip, doing his best Melvyn Hayes impersonation fifteen years before he had even been bored.

"Have a nice day, Ten Cents? We'll be, heh, seeing you around...in about two years or so." Zug departed, feeling rather proud of his stellar insult making skills. At least it was better than Zip's, which was the saying 'damned by faint praise' incarnate.

"I don't expect slip-ups from you, Ten Cents! The owners claim that their barges are missing, and that they were never delivered! Honestly, really, I expect that from Top Hat to go and forget his job, that's his stock-"

"It's not true, though, sir! It was my last tow of the day, it was! You gave the job to me, you watched me take it away!"

"Ten Cents, I have to take the client's word, because quite frankly, that's just how it goes in business. You'll understand when you get a bit older, but here, it's always our fault if we don't deliver and it's the client's that did the right thing when we do."

"Sir, please, at least let me-"

"No. You're on dredger detail until I can trust you again. Scuttlebutt's taking care of you-"

"Anything but that, sir!"

"TEN CENTS...Go. Now. Before I get OJ to tow you over there myself."

 _"It occurs to me looking back on my actions that I was perhaps, a little hasty. After all, I had just got done writing a sermon for my Tugs on the problems of leaping to conclusions, yet here I was doing the same thing. In my defence, it was seven in the morning, and I hated getting up that early. I may or may not have had a couple of drinks the night before as well, to make matters worse. But he went on his way, and met Pete. To this day, I have no idea whether or not it was the man or the machine that held this name. Perhaps it was both, after all, here, machines and men seemed almost to be one."_

 _..._

"Bloody machine!" screamed the human.

"BLOODY HUMAN!" bellowed the machine.

Ten Cents watched for a moment, before reluctantly approaching. "Morning Scuttlebutt."

"Y'look gloomy t'is mornin, Ten Cents, so ye do!" said Scuttlebutt, which was what most people assumed the machine part was named. But as was said previously, no one was really sure. "What's up?"

"The sky."

"Hysterical, so you are."

"Nothing really."

"Heard ye lost a barge."

"You would know." muttered Ten Cents rebelliously. "It always would be you, if it wasn't Izzy Gomez."

"No secret, so it t'ain't, so it t'ain't. Whole dock's talking about it."

"You know, I wonder if the two are related? I mean, it's bound to be once your big mouth starts shooting off like it does all the time."

"Oi, watch it! Me mammy didn't raise no fool!"

"No, just a right heel." There was a rather loud sound next to the switcher, and he glanced down to see a large series of bubbles rushing up to the service. And then, a moment later, a rather wet looking face emerged from the depths.

"I've been hearing a rumor about you, Ten Cents!"

"Et tu, Grampus?! What have you heard?"

"Lost a barge, haven't you?" Grampus shrugged, he didn't seem too angry or insulted by the idea. But then he was a sub who lived every day as if it was likely to be his last, which it probably could be on some days.

"Don't waste time, do you, Scuttlebutt?" The dredger shrugged, and Ten Cents noticed Sunshine coming up with no small amount of annoyance. No doubt this was going to turn into 'Take the piss out of Ten Cents' Day.

"Rumors are his schpeciality!" Sunshine grinned. He had spent a lot of time with the dredger and so had a rather odd fondness for the old rustbucket.

"Huh! Only trying to help, you bilgerats! More people who know about it, sooner ye get to be in the clear and ye can go back to whatever it is you do for fun!"

"I AM IN THE CLEAR! GET THAT...clear, okay, that wasn't clever of me, but still! Why does everyone find it so hard to believe that I did the right thing and that the Z-Stacks are full of it?! Clearly our Captain doesn't practice what he preaches!"

"Naughty Naughty, temper temper!"

"Lose his stack if it wasn't screwed on!"

Ten Cents closed his eyes for a moment, and counted to ten. Zebedee and Zak had just rolled on by, issuing their usual mocking cries to try and fray his nerves a bit more. All he needed was Zorran and he'd have the full set. "I'll get you boys one of these days! Just you wait!"

"Well, I'll, er, leave you to it! Oh, and Ten Cents, Captain Schtar has another job for you!"

"Ah yes. What is it this time? Deep sea diving? Butler to Top Hat? What?"

"Not going to like it."

"If I had wanted a job where I got what I liked, I would have tried to have them move me to the ocean liner construction sight, where I'd get someone to chat up every once a while."

"Working with the Z-Stacks."

"Oh BLOODY HELL! That is all I bloody well need!"

"Language."

"Oh go boil yourself, Scuttlebutt."

"Right." muttered the dredger, as he turned back to his work on the side of the quay, a rather large machine that looked as though it came from a horror movie. "I'm not naming any of me discoveries after ye, then."

...

"Right, so this is a barge."

"Thank you, Zebedee, I know what a barge looks like."

"You tie it on, or you push it to the place where it's needed, see?"

"I know what a barge is, thank you."

"This one has fuel on it, right, you got that? You know what to do with it?"

"Go jump off a dam."

"No, I know what he does! Right, so he takes it with him, and then it disappears! Go on, do a magic trick, can you make a bunny appear!?" The sad part was that Zak was only half joking.

"Can make a good deal of money, mind you, if you know where to sell these loads at, can't you, Ten Cents, well you'd know, wouldn't you?"

"You saying I'm a crook?" Ten Cents said through gritted teeth and a stare that would have killed a charging rhino stone dead.

"No! We weren't talking about you that much!"

"Didn't even mention his name, that much, did we, Zak?"

"Strange he'd pick up on that, and assume we was making light of him, eh?"

"Ah, it's Double Act day, is it? Zip and Zug elsewhere, so they had to get you two in to try and fulfill the goon squad quota?"

"You know, I can never get how ordinary people, you know, average gentlemen and whatever the hell I is, how they can suddenly turn into master criminals with the need to get their fix of action, am I right?"

"It's the evil inside them, you see, suddenly comes out of them! You know, like demons possessing pigs in that Bible, ain't it?"

"I could go for some bacon right now."

Zebedee despaired of Zak. He often had a rather silly dream about one day being able to meet someone on his side who was somewhat intelligent, given the circumstances. He had long since realized that this was a fool's dream, but he kept it alive sometimes.

"You'd know all about that, wouldn't ya? Pigs with dark souls, practically the mascot for the Z-Stacks really."

"Oooh, someone can't take a joke, can they, Zak? And we were only messing about! Odd how sensitive people can be, isn't it?"

"IT'S NOT A-" Ten Cents paused, counted to ten, and reminded himself that trying to negotiate and get the Z-Stacks to see a different point of view was a bit like trying to ask the sun to cool it down a little bit. "You know what, I didn't do it, get that straight, and I'm going now. Quite frankly, I hope you get smashed by a tramper, you miserable sods."

"Bit testy." remarked Zak. "Wonder what it was we said?"

Zebedee detected no sarcastic remark in that statement and sighed. "You know what, Zak, sometimes I really do wonder."

...

 _"I was worried. It wasn't like Ten Cents in the slightest. True, he was as cynical as they come, and had gained a record for managing to beat people's faces in, but he was a good tug at heart, and I rarely had to call him out on it like I did the others. But what else could it be? ...Stop sniggering, I was tired, and drunk. A rather nasty combination. Fortunately, the famous Bridge Cafe Band, whose numbers included the famous Maestro Botticielli, who would later go on to discover Alicia Botti, the famous singer was giving Grampus a restless night."_

"I wouldn't mind so much-" muttered the sub as he moved on out from besides the rather expensive looking car and out onto open waters "-if they didn't tone it down a little bit. I don't think they really need the eleven saxaphones going off at once, in my humble opinion. And yet again you're talking to yourself, Grampus, this is why no one likes you and you have no friends."

No matter how hard he tried, he worried about Ten Cents. The navy was, at this particular juncture, a rather cold and mercurially minded bunch of prats in silly caps, especially those situated around about these parts, and thus Grampus often felt like the odd one out when it came to thinking of matters outside of their orders, and matters regarding civilians for that matter. It helped that the Star Tugs, and Ten Cents in particular, were rather kind to him compared to his superiors. Then again, a rabid lion that has rabies would be kinder and easier to deal with than Admiral Bluenose.

He drifted off aimlessly, filled with the idea of trying to find a way to help him.

He had no real idea how soon that would be, as he weaved and wobbled through the rather large mass of ships and boats that lined the harbor, all dormant for the moment. He hoped, at the very least, that he'd get no one trying to run him over for a laugh. He had had enough of that from the frat boys that they called a navy. He shivered. "Creepy round here, and no mistake. Golly, maybe I should have just gone out drinking with Top Hat. At least then I'd have something to put me to sleep on hand...er, rudder. Hang about." He glanced forward.

Now it may have been his glasses, he reasoned, but he was sure that he saw something (or someone, he added mentally) moving around amongst the various pieces of driftwood and such.

"Better check it out. I'd not be doing my duty as a naval officer if I didn't. Not that Bluenose and his twerps have any idea what that actually means, of course not, leave it all to Grampus to do."

He was so busy mumbling to himself that he had no idea that he was drifting into the path of the pale faced tug. "AVAST YOU, NOW GET OUT OF HERE!" He screamed at a fury that Grampus had never before seen or heard. Grampus quickly splashed down under the water to avoid the collision, but he just managed to catch sight of the fact that the tug had with him a fuel barge.

As he rose again, he spat out water and muttered to himself "Phew. That was close and no mistake. Right, better get to Captain Star, tell him the news. That's definitely one of Ten Cent's barges. Where's that thief taking it?"

"In the mist, Grampus lost the barge-snatcher, and spent the rest of the night in a paranoid mood, wondering who it could be, and if so, was he bulletproof? I...I have no idea why, perhaps he thought he was going to be James Bond and assassinate the barge snatcher. And during this time, the thief was busy himself, making sure that many other barges were taken from various docks and ports across the seafront. I was informed, and so I alerted Captain Zero that the two of us were going to have to put aside our differences, Stars and Z's alike were going to have to work together to combat this mystery.

It went done well."

"SON OF A MOTHERLESS SWINE!" howled Captain Zero.

...

The next morning dawned with everyone crammed in as close as they could. Zero and Star's megaphones were resting out of their buildings, and they began to speak. Or they tried.

"I SAY!" said Top Hat, his monocle flashing with indignant anger. "What is this all about? What is this lark? I have a very important meeting to get to! Whatever next!?"

"With Mr Darcy, is it?" Zebedee muttered.

"We ain't too pleased to be here ourselves, Top Fat! We're wasting time!" snapped Zorran. Hat squawked, and a real fight would have broken out if not for Star, who had a naturally authoritative voice, shouting out:

"SILENCE!"

"Ten Cent's barge was the only one gone! We all know whose fault that is!"

"YEAH!" shouted Zip and Zug, morally outraged.

"He knows what it's about!"

"Bet you he's out stealing barges right now!"

"Cut the chatter, or I'll cut ye throats!" bellowed Big Mac, and Zug went quiet remarkably fast.

"Watch it, see!" Warrior snapped, roused to anger rather quickly.

"We meant no offence!" blathered Zip. "We just-"

"Careful what ye say, you slack-jawed nancies, or I'll-"

"I said SILENCE. Captain Zero and me have had a meeting-" Meeting was a strong word, more like screaming match, but Star saw no reason to give the tugs reason to fight "-missing barges is serious. Not least because it means a loss of trade, but also because it indicates that the thief might become more and more desperate. We're going to get to the bottom of it, understand? Captain Zero."

"I have thought of a wee scheme to catch this phantom of tha night, and I intend ta carry it out tonight. This crook should be mine- ours, by that time."

"Ha! I expect he knows several!"

"Aye, catch a crook ta catch a crook!"

"What are you suggesting!?" snarled Zorran, preparing to front up to both Top Hat and Big Mac.

"QUIET. We've decided to set a trap."

"Ten barges are, as we speak, being rigged with flares by the Scuttlebutt, when they're taken, they'll light up the sky like it's Bonfire Night, and when that happens, we swoop in and nab him!"

"So-" said Star, taking back control of the microphone "-this is the plan. Tonight, you'll all be out in pairs, maintaining all forms of silence at all costs. Keep your eyes open."

 _"Unknown to us, Grampus had returned to the section where he had lost the thief the night before, trying to work out in which direction he had headed off in. Or she. His attempts to play Sherlock Holmes were...not very good."_

"Got as far as here." mused Grampus. He looked up. "Hang about, that warehouse is really old. Hasn't been used in ages. Which would make a excellent place for a stereotypical crook to hide out in."

...

 **"YOU HAVE DONE VERY WELL SO FAR, PATCHES."**

The green light shone from...something, it was hard to call them ships at all. From what the pale one could tell of, they came from a pair of very, very wide and very, very deep eyes. "Good, so-so I'll just be-"

 **"WE FIGURE YOU STILL OWE US."**

"Yer're going back on yer word, so ye are!"

 **"OF COURSE. YOU EXPECT HONOR FROM US? WE EXPECT NONE FROM YOU."**

"Ye said that that was the last barge!"

"The thief." muttered Grampus, aloud, yet again. He resurfaced quietly, as a second voice spoke up.

 _ **"CHANGED OUT MINDS, SEE? IT'S ONE MORE BARGE, REDBEARD, OR IT'S GOODBYE TO GRAMPS! DAVY JONES'S LOCKER IS WAITING FOR HIM, WE'LL JUST HASTEN THE OLD ONE ALONG."**_

Grampus looked, and there, up on the wall, was a very old and very weary looking tug. He mouthed to Grampus, clearly the words 'Help Me'. Grampus made a gesture to indicate giving him a moment, before looking back at the distressed face of the thief. _My god_ , he thought, _he's trying to save his grandfather._ _Dear god in heaven, the plot thickens._ "The missing barges." he spoke aloud without thinking.

 _ **"WHO IS THAT?"**_

 **"YOU HEARD SOMETHING?"**

 _ **"NO...NO. DO AS WE SAY, OR ELSE!"**_

 **"YOU KNOW WE ARE CREATURES OF OUR WORD ON THAT, AT LEAST."**

"It's getting too risky! They're bound to have noticed me by this point, they'll be after us! The Tugs here are far more territorial than you realize, they'll have me guts and yers for garters!"

 _ **"ONE MORE. TONIGHT!"**_

"Don't do it!" called the old tug, desperately and pleadingly. The thief looked to him, his eyes filled with terror and resignation.

"Oh, God forgive me, I've got to, haven't I, old man? Ye promise that tonight will be the last, will ye? Cause I won't do it no way otherwise."

 **"DELIVER OR HE SINKS."**

 **"AND IF ANYONE DOES INTERFERE...WE WILL RAZE THIS CITY TO THE GROUND WITH EVERY LAST LIVING SOUL IN IT."**

And the worrying part was, Grampus thought as the lights suddenly shut off, as if the creatures were never even there, he very much believed they would.

 **TO BE CONTINUED.**


	4. Pirate Part 2

**A quick shout out before I begin, to MK Inst, who has very kindly been helping me with the order of episodes in this series! Also, fingers crossed you won't have to wait another three or four months for the next chapter! XD.**

...

The second that the green light had died down, the thief turned to the old tug quickly. "Yer not hurt, are ye?! God give me strength, if they've hurt ye-"

"I am fine! ...No, that's not quite true, if I was fine, I wouldn't be here, would I? But I'm as good as it gets." The elder one looked downwards at the thief with weary eyes. "Ye should leave me to it. I've lived my life, there's no need for ye to lose yers for the likes of me! The scrapyard's my resting place, sooner rather than later! But ye! Ye still got ye life ahead of ye!"

"Aye, maybe so, but ye're all I've got in the world and by thunder, I am not letting ye die like this! Ye deserve a proper burial, a proper place to end yer days, not strung up on a wall like some trophy!"

"Don't do it! It's wrong!"

"Mam smuggled illegal ginger beer during the war, and ye never gave her hell!" The joking tone quickly turned grim "And I can't leave ye here with them! Tonight'll be the end of it, and we can get far away from this blasted port! I hope to Mammy's soul that I never have to lay me own eyes on it again!"

"That's what they said the last time! And the time before that! Ye have to get out now, before it's too late!"

Grampus had seen enough. Well, he had tried to see enough, but when your face was on a flat surface and you constantly had to lean at an angle to get a view of anything other than the roof, you took what you could get. "Oh dear, this is a sad state of affairs, and no mistake!"

"Did ye hear that?"

"Probably ye consciousness trying to tell you to get the hell out of here!"

Grampus sank down under the water once again and swam off into the night.

After he hit his head on a buoy, first.

"Ouch!"

...

"That night, the cunning...somewhat cunning, plan to capture the pirate was put into action! I feel as though it is my duty to note that my original plan was heavily watered down by Captain Zero, who perhaps was not the best when it came to actual tactical manuevers that weren't either ruthless business tactics or bashing in the nearest person's kneecaps. But, work on it we both did, and our tugs were instructed to remain completely silent."

"DASH GOOD IDEA THIS!" bellowed Top Hat. He seemed to only have one volume at present, which was 'Town Crier' level of noise. "Barge in place...check, flare set to go off, check again, partner?" Top Hat looked around for a brief moment, and frowned. "I thought we were going to be in pairs-" He suddenly felt very worried. "Oh good gravy in heaven, please...anyone but him! I'd take Zorran any day of the week compared to him! Not...WARRIOR!"

"Hello Top Hat!" said Warrior, with great cheeriness. "This is our post, Top Hat! Glad to see you made- Whoops!" He banged his front directly into a red buoy, sending it right into Top Hat's starboard side. "Sorry, Top Hat! No damage done!"

"No dam- NO DAMAGE!?" screamed Top Hat.

"Sorry little fella!" The buoy gave a quick little garbled bit of forgiveness before going back to it's usual job. Just sitting there. Many people would argue that it is, in fact, the common buoy who has the worst deal when it comes to anthropomorphism. At least steam rollers get to move around and see different parts in their job. Buoys just stand there.

"OF ALL THE TUGS IN ALL THE WORLD, YOU HAD TO BE THE ONE I GOT!" raged Top Hat, his pride was more wounded that his side, really. His temper didn't improve when Warrior shushed him rather loudly.

"It'll be great if you and I catch em! We can be like Tommy and Tuppence!"

"Yes, you as the dull, thick and unimaginative bore, and me the glamorous and intelligently imaginative beauty stuck having to deal with you, a fitting epitaph for my life. Thrilled to be working with you, really." Top Hat's brand of sarcasm was not lost on Warrior, but the latter didn't really mind. "Now, pay attention, Warrior, I shall say this only once! This is a war time situation! A situation that threatens the very fabric and lifeblood in which we-" He paused. Even his flowery language was confusing him a great deal "I shall rustle up my cunning and my ability to sense a tactical advantage and you...you shall do whatever it is you do. Now, back there-"

"What's that then? Tac-tickle?"

Top Hat gritted his teeth. "It means, you cretinous oaf of a tug, thinking strategically!"

"And what's that then? Er...stratospheric-ally?"

"You know, sometimes Warrior, I wonder a great deal why you even bother showing up. I said tactical-"

"Tactical, strategical, right, got it!"

"Give. Me. Strength." snarled Top Hat, summoning up all of his restraint and willpower to not immediately try and murder Warrior right then and there. In his rather egocentrically mind, this was a possibility that could happen. Reality, however, would have had other plans if he had attempted it. Those plans included Top Hat going 'glug glug' a great deal. "POSITIONS WARRIOR!" He bellowed at a pitch that foghorns would consider too loud. "NYET THE DOUBLE!" Some of his old Russian lessons had just come back to him at the worst time, hence the sudden slip into the other language.

"Nice tactical spot" remarked Warrior as he drew up alongside the dock "Quite strat...quite strage-...quite good, eh? Huhuhuh!"

"God above, please hear my prayers. Take this dozy twerp away from me, next time, eh?"

...

"Ah, cheer up with ya, Ten Cents!" Sunshine had been put together with the switcher in an attempt to either get him to focus on the positive side of things, or to make sure that if he was the thief, to not let him get any closer to anything that important. Sunshine no more believed the idea that Ten Cents was guilty than he did the idea that the world was flat, and so was trying to raise his spirits up. "Now they got to know that you've got nothing to do with thosche mischsing barges! They have to! Zip and Zug are just trying to make schomething of it, once again."

"Thanks Sunshine." Ten Cents looked to the side, wishing more than ever that he was spending time with Sally the Seaplane right now. "But it makes me so flipping angry, you know! Not being able to prove it is just the cherry stone atop the tar cake!"

"I'm schure Captain Schtar believes you!"

"Ha! No, he doesn't. If he believed me, he'd take my word for it, he knows that my record speaks for itself! Okay, I've had a couple of drunken incidents, but I've always had less than the others! And I'd never deliberately lose a barge or get rid of it just to spite those pillocks at Zero's!""

"Remember, don't pay any attention to them Z-Schtacks, they're nothing but trouble makers and liars. They're doing it deliberately, I bet you, just to rub you up the wrong way. They probably won't even stop after we catch this thief!" Sunshine was aware that this was probably not the best thing to say to Ten Cents in his present state of mind, but it had been the only positive he could think at the moment.

"I don't give a toss about them! But our gang? Knowing them, they've already started judging me, thinking bad of me, wondering if I'll even stop at taking barges. I've had thoughts about killing Top Hat before on bad days, but I've never do so. But with this sullying my good...my neutral name? Nah, they're going to be paranoid for a long time."

"Well, we'll catch the thief tonight, and then we can rub it in their faces! Won't that be a laugh? With any luck."

Ten Cents could not be swayed. "Might. Might not. Knowing my luck at the moment, sod's law will probably be in affect and I'll have nothing to show. But if we do, I'm sinking that pirate right then and there. And then I'm going to make sure he never arises again."

"Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"Sort of...hissing noise? Bubbly?"

"Oh god damn, it's Grampus! The blood and stomach pills is he doing here?! He's going to ruin everything! Get out of here, you! You're in the way, and more importantly, you look like you need to stop taking the ciggies!"

Sunshine glared at Ten Cents "We're laying a trap for the thief. Pretty schtupid one if you ask me, but-"

"That's why I'm here! I've come to tell you...I've been trying to find you for ages-"

"What do you know?!" Suddenly Ten Cents was all...well, not all ears, because he didn't have ears in the first place, but he was listening very hard "You know where all the barges are?!"

"I've been there and all! Seen em. All of them. But listen-"

"Let's get him! The pirate's mine though, and when I get my rudder on him, he's going to be sorry he ever bothered floating on over here, by thunder! He's not going to get away with crossing me, making me look like a fool-"

"One thing though." Grampus hesitated, then plowed ahead. "It might not be so black and white after all, it is rather complicated...really. Really complicated."

"Ah ha! There are more than one of them! Well just you wait, Grampus, they don't call me Ten Seconds Cents for nothing! I'll nail em! Come on, get out of the way, I need to prove it's not me! The quicker I do so, the better!"

"Listen, please! Your pirate is a tug called Sea Rogue-"

"A VILLAINOUS NAME IF EVER I HEARD ONE-"

"-I got that from the dock manager up at the Ironworks. Point is-"

...

"Tied off my end."

"Right, Zug!"

"I shall stay back here, out of sight and out of mind! To the rest of the world, I don't exist! You shall stay up front, and keep a lookout for any stinking Starfleet nonsense!"

Zip was very upset. "Why do I have to be the one up front?! It's super duper scary, Zug, and I feel very vulnerable! Besides, you haven't told me my bedtime story yet! Where's my teddy!? I want my blanket! You come here, and I'll come there! That's much better, isn't it?!"

Sometimes, though Zug, Zip would benefit from staying asleep and leaving the work to the actual fully grown tugs. "Oh no, trust your old pal Zug, being here is far worse than being there, believe you me, such hassle! No ,it is far better for you there, because...er...um-"

"Is it really bad over there?"

Zug thanked God profusely, the fates were on his side tonight. Usually once Zip set his mind to wanting to do something, it was nigh impossible to convince him otherwise. "Oh yes! Terrible! The, er, smell, you know, it's just awful! Smells like Dracula's crypt! And would I lie to you? Now, would I? Me, your best mate, Zug?"

There was a five second pause, in which silence pretty much reigned. Then "Psst!"

"AH!" Zug jumped ten feet in the air and quivered like a excitable jelly "PLEASE MR PIRATE SIR I DON'T MEAN NO HARM TAKE THE STINKING BARGES YOU DO WHAT YOU LIKE WITH THEM, IT WAS ZIP'S IDEA NOT ME, LEAVE ME ALONE PLEASE I WON'T TELL ANYONE!"

"It's me! Zip!"

"Aaaaaaah." Zug paused. He wasn't sure what had just happened there. Panic attack, most likely, too much stress. "Now, see, Zip, that is what you DON'T say when you are confronted by a pirate. Stupid idiot, Captain Zero said not to move! What are you doing right now! You disturbed me!"

"If that's nearly, I'd hate to see you really scared."

Zug wondered if Zip was rubbing off on him, considering that usually Zip had to be walked through a detailed explanation of how insults worked. An insult from Zip that landed it's mark was rather shocking, to say the least. "GET! BACK! TO! YOUR! POST!"

"Is is better back here!?" muttered Zip, as he moved into the space formerly occupied by his rather tense companion.

"It isn't! It's full of rats! And bats! And hookers! So you just stay there, and shut that big fat mouth of yours while I do the actual work! And-" Both suddenly froze as the sound of a horn echoed across the harbor.

...

"-And this Sea Rogue, is being forced against his will! From what I can gather, the tug's grandfather got taken by these...green lighted fellows, whoever they are, and they are blackmailing him into taking the barges so that they can...sell them? I am not sure." Grampus looked from tug to tug "But don't you see! You can't beat him up, he's only trying to save someone he loves! These green eyed persons will scuttle the old son of a gun if the barges aren't delivered. According to them, this is the last barge they need, but I don't trust them! Not one bit!"

"That's terrible!" Sunshine felt for the pirate, though he had never met him. "Well, what are we going to do!?"

Ten Cents grinned a rather cocky grin, the sort of grin that stereotypical dashing pilots grinned before doing something incredibly risky and heroic "Get to the pirate- Er, Sea Rogue! You know, before the others? Like Zeedledumb and Zeedledee! There's no time to explain to them, and some of them probably wouldn't even believe us. No, scratch that, those somebodies definitely wouldn't!"

"You're right, Ten Cents. Not enough time, anyway. Time we get there, it's likely that Sea Rogue will have already absconded with the barge!" Grampus drew himself to his full height (Not, it must be noted, a very impressive feat) and coughed "Follow me, lads!" And so saying, he sank back down under the sea, leaving only a trail of bubbles for the two Star Tugs to follow.

"Well, thisch schure as hell beats lischtening to more of Top Hat's schtories!" Sunshine remarked as they set off.

...

Elsewhere, Zip and Zug were beginning to get a little twitchy. Said horn that had frightened them so had actually been from a rather cheesed off Big Mac (Anachronistic pun intended) who had told the two to get themselves in order. Every horn thereafter sounded to the Z-Stacks like the death knell, and they were rapidly growing impatient.

"Zug" whispered Zip, at last.

"Quiet! Don't give us away! I have told you three bedtime stories and I've played a game of 'Hide and Seek' with you, what more could you want?"

"No, look, Ten Cents and Sunshine, they're leaving their post!"

"What!?"

"Look!"

Zug snapped to attention, and looked over just in time to see the two tugs move away, following a strange sort of bubbling. "Bloody hell, for once in your life, you're bang on the money! That Two Cents son of a bitch must be up to something, no doubt. Probably got Sunshine working as his accomplice, to give him a sort of alibi! That corrupter! Captain Zero agreed with me that Ten Cents shouldn't be trusted on such a mission, and we were both right!" Zug's head was filled with visions of Zero praising him, extolling his virtues, constructing a statue in his honor...and so on. "Come on!"

"Now who wants to leave their post?" muttered Zip rebelliously. Still, he did as he was told, and the two of them headed out after the Star Tugs.

At last, the inhabitants of that particular part of the dock managed to finally get some sleep.

But once again, the mist had descended upon the harbor and the surrounding expanse of sea, and Zug and Zip were struggling to keep up with Ten Cents and Sunshine. "Can't seem them, for the mist!" growled Zug, a master at admitting the obvious "Stay close, or I'll leave you behind!"

Zip stopped. "Was that a threat?"

"Wha-No?!"

"It sounded like a threat! I'm not moving until you apologize!"

"...You're serious, aren't you?"

"Not talking to you either!"

"...Fine. I, Zug, am sorry for insinuating anything about you, Zip, and hurting your feelings."

"That was a nice apology, Zug. Thanks pal! Thanks very much indeed!"

In the middle of the harbor, floating about and trying her best not to fall back to sleep, Lillie Lightship thought of Hercules, who had apparently still more business to attend to with regards to the odd packages that had come when the Duchess had arrived. She slowly slipped off into the land of nod, as two massive pairs of green lights rushed past her and tossed something over her head. Not that she noticed.

 _"Carefully, with a very loose use of the term, the villains began to make their plans for their escape. They were covering up lightships, with sacks...admittedly, it was not the best plan in the world, but they had picked the best night to do it on. Now as to how they got the sacks over the heads of the lightboats is...still unknown. Perhaps they were magic boats. Who knows? But that wasn't the worst of it. Somehow, they managed to use specially constructed guns to knock out the lights on the lighthouses, and, most despicably of all, muffling the bell-buoys so as to make sure that they wouldn't raise a fuss as they rushed off with the loot. Some of them drowned because they weren't able to overcome the sacks that were thrown over their heads."_

"Ey up boys, what's-" was all one of the buoys could get out before their body was covered by a sack. The Green Eyed Tugs mentally noted that they needed to make sure their plan wasn't heavily sack based next time.

"What they would have done to the tug is unknown. But we can guess, and we can shiver, perhaps, at the idea of what they would do to him. But Ten Cents, Sunshine and Grampus had finally arrived by the old warehouse, and had spotted the two of them heading inside. They were now ready to spring the trap on the pirates...in retrospect, a lot of what happened next came down to desperate luck, because Ten Cents's original plan had been to rush in there, bellow "YOU MANIACS!" and attempt to bash the Green Eyed Ones to death. Not, it must be said, the brightest of sparks, was Ten Cents, especially in this stressful environment."

"Not much around tonight, so there isn't." muttered Sea Rogue as he moved in. He felt queasy. He wished to God he could just go home and sleep for a bit. He hadn't slept in weeks. "Time's running out! Come on, Sea Rogue, think! Think, man! Old man's counting on you!"

"TOO SPOOKY FOR MY LIKING!" said Ten Cents, at a volume that suggested that all Star Tugs were naturally set to a very high volume level for tugs supposed to be on stealth missions.

"I wisch I wasch back working up river!" hissed Sunshine.

"Do either of you know the word 'stealth' means?!" snapped Grampus, who was already on a great deal of edge, and this was not helping him at all.

"I think I hear something!"

"So do I, Ten Cents. It's a tug who won't shut the hell up!"

"I'm not going to make it, oh dear god in heaven, where the hell is it, I don't understand, how the hell am I supposed to do this? The tug fleet are all up in arms against me! What am I going to-"

"AH-HA, SEA ROGUE!" shouted Ten Cents, who raced forward and smacked Sea Rogue against the wall. "You're cornered, you can't escape! I am the LAW! I AM JUSTICE! I AM-"

"Ten Cents, get a grip. We've got the pirate, then!"

"I'm not the pirate- Well, yes, in a roundabout way I suppose I am a little bit, but I'm not doing this because I want to!"

"We know that!" Grampus said, exasperated. "What the hell was that for, you two?"

"It looked exciting when Ten Cents did it. Grampus here told us everything!"

"He saw you and whatever those...weird, green eyed things are. What even are they!?"

"Did you see me old man there too!?" gasped Sea Rogue, already in shock from Ten Cents's completely random actions.

"Everything!"

"Then by thunder, lads, I'll need your help, we've got to save him! I have no right to ask this of you except for that of common decency, but by god's thunder, I got the old wreck into this, and I need to get him out! He's my uncle...well, grandad- It doesn't matter what! All I know is, they're holding him to ransom to make me take these barges! I don't know why! ...Now that I cast me mind back, I'm pretty sure that even if I get THIS barge, they'll sink him." He moaned piteously. "You take one too many pints at the East End, next thing you know they're holding you up-"

"Help us! We'll help you! And then we'll sink them good and proper!" Ten Cents said with great gusto. Though perhaps that was a result of perhaps a bit high on the adrenaline."

"Anything you say! Just let it end- WHO'S THAT?!" The distinct sound of something in the water had startled Sea Rogue a great deal.

"Quick, let's hide!"

"That gusto vanished, and no mistake, eh Ten Cents?"

"Grampus, I swear to god-"

As they vanished into the fog, Zip and Zug stumbled in with their usual lack of elegance and subtlety. "Look, they can't have gone far, the water's still rippling! Must be near!"

"So could be that pirate Zug! I'm s-s-scared! I wanna go home!"

"Oh, GET A- get a grip, Zip!"

"Maybe we should go back! I don't like this, Zug! I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"

"QUIET!"

"Zip and Zug? They'd be dumb enough to go in that there warehouse." Ten Cents paused "No offense intended, Grampus."

"They'll get no quarter if they do!" Sea Rogue said, wearily. "It'll be a bloodbath- Do we have blood? If you prick me, do I not bleed? No, really, do I?" Sea Rogue's brief crisis was interrupted by Ten Cents, who had not yet grasped the idea of subtlety, whooped and grinned.

"Ah, scherve em right!" said Sunshine, in a rather vengeful mood considering that he had had to listen to Ten Cents whining all day about how they were driving him up the wall. Maybe this would get him to stop, at last."

"No, hang about! That gives me a idea! Grampus, head into the warehouse, quickly! And once the villains leave the shed...if they do, get the old tug out of there as fast as you can."

"Yes, I, with no hands on-board, shall somehow drag a rather heavy tug off the wall to safety." said Grampus, voice dripping with sarcasm. But he did as he was told, and dived back down again.

"Now, let's see what's going on" Together, the three tugs crawled forward, glanced around from their hiding place, and then cautiously did the tug equivalent of tip-toeing towards the old warehouse. The two Star Tugs grinned at each other as Zip and Zug approached the warehouse doors with great amount of fear.

"Just a quick look!" wheedled Zug. "I want to catch them in the act! Just think, all those stolen barges, recovered by me! Zug! ...Oh and Zip, you helped, I guess."

"Oooh er, Zug! Let's go back! Please!"

"Come on! And stay close! Ten Cents might be a dangerous desperado at the moment, you never know, I might have to use you as a shield- I mean, need back up! That's what I meant! Heh."

"Don't worry, I will!" said Zip, completely missing the sarcasm.

"Oooh!" Zug frowned. "I...did not know it was so dark inside." He hesitated for a moment, his desire for glory and his self-preservation side warring against each other brutally. Glory won out. "Come on!"

"It means that there's no one there! Obviously!" Zip laughed, on the verge of hysteria, if not abseiling off of said verge.

"HEY!" shouted Zug, his glory hungry side overriding all common sense at this moment "LOOK! I FOUND THE STOLEN BARGES! THEY'RE HERE! RIGHT NEXT TO ME! LOOK AT ME! WE'VE CRACKED TI! WE ARE HEROES!"

Both tugs descended into hyena like fits of laughter, so relieved were they to have finally gotten their rudders on something worthwhile. "You're in for it now, Ten Cents!" crowed Zip.

 ** _"WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE!?"_**

The voice cut through the jubilant atmosphere like a knife through butter, as four glowing green lights beamed from outside of the warehouse. The panicked screams of both Zip and Zug echoed across the harbor. It has widely been suggested that this scream was the inspiration for the invention of the burglar alarm as we know it, so shrill was it.

"AJDAOJGOEJOGJ- THE PIRATES!"

"TWO OF THEM!"

That is the best translation our writers can do at this time. Perhaps, one day, when the art of linguistics improves a little, we can understand a bit more of what the two of them were trying to say. Probably not, but you never know. As they backed away out of the warehouse, the two green eyed monsters following after them with great speed, the three outside braced themselves.

"Get ready!" snapped Ten Cents "We'll need to spring the trap when I say!"

"Who put you in charge?!"

"I did! We're going to have to make sure that Grampus gets a clear path!"

Inside, Grampus rumbled along the bottom of the water before at last, surfacing up for air. Spitting out a stray starfish that had accidentally been inhaled, he looked for the Old Man.

The latter of whom was looking rather worried "Oh dear, hope everything's okay! ...You know, in retrospect, perhaps naming him Sea Rogue was a bit career limiting. Well, I'd wish they'd hurry up, me feet are getting cold. Wha- Who the-"

"Easy, old man! I'm a friend of your nephew...grandson? Whatever! I've come to set you free!"

"How?"

"Ah." Grampus frowned. "Yes. Well...give me a minute to think, will you?"

...

The Z-Stacks backed away in horror as the strange, unnatural creatures approached them. Zug had made the mistake of looking into their eyes. It was an experience he would never forget, no matter how hard he tried to. He was gabbling at such a extreme speed that it was debatable at this point if the words he was thinking of were even English.

"Here they come! Don't move yet!"

"Right! Noted!" Sea Rogue took a deep breath. "Just want to say, if this doesn't work, then I am grateful to ye all."

"Don't get emotional on me now, Sea Rogue! Wait til I say!"

As the two Z's backed up, begging for their life and pleading for a bit of mercy, Sea Rogue grew tenser and tenser, Sunshine was on the verge of eating his own port side, and Ten Cents was sweating like a donkey in a sauna.

"They're getting close! Me gut's telling me to move now!"

"Not yet...three-"

Zip and Zug realized in horror that they were far closer to the wall than they were to any sort of freedom.

"Two..."

The green eyed things stared at them, advancing forward like sharks smelling blood.

"ONE! NOW!"

The chaos that followed was hard to describe in any great sense of detail, because trying to see what exactly was going on is near impossible. It is known that Ten Cents, Sunshine and Sea Rogue let loose a bellow so loud that it would have frightened a lion and rushed at the two creatures as fast as they could. The Green Eyes reacted with shock, and tried in vain to fight back.

How the fight ended is known as well, as Sea Rogue managed to smack one of them, with all his force, into the nearest dock, while Ten Cents and Sunshine trapped the other one and barraged him with blow after blow.

By the time the others had arrived, both of the Green Eyes had lost their...um, green eyes, and were sitting rather sullenly on the water, which Sea Rogue punctuated by bellowing "THE GAME'S UP, YE WEE BASTARDS, THERE'S NO ESCAPE!"

...

Warrior yawned. He frowned as he heard the faint sounds of...something. "Er, Top Hat, something's going on over there! Best check it out!"

"Ah, wait, Warrior! WARRIOR, WATCH THAT-"

It was too late. Warrior smacked into the barge, and was promptly frazzled somewhat by the explosion of the flare, which lit up the sky like it was Bonfire Night a few months early.

Top Hat screamed internally. Clearly he was not destined to ever get out of this rathole of a port. At least with his face intact, that is. "Oh you are just a LOVELY bright spark, aren't you, Warrior?!"

"Don't worry!" said Warrior, with the typical confidence that only foolish people had "It's only a flare!"

Said flare landed straight in Top Hat's smokestack. He spent the next three minutes screaming blue murder and cursing Warrior with every fibre of his being.

...

 _"Next day, a rather singed Top Hat and Warrior arrived to take the miscreants away to the nearby coast guard, who in turn would alert the Navy. Admiral Bluenose had, in his own typical manner, been very much excited to get his hands on the Green Eyes, for whatever reason."_

"Don't bump em too hard, Warrior! They might send up a flare too!"

"HA HA, TEN CENTS!" screamed Top Hat, his eye twitching away like mad.

"Now that-" remarked Ten Cents once the laughter had died down "-is what I call a good night's work. Heading up river then, Sea Rogue?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Thanks Ten Cents."

"Least I could do after I planned to murder you and turn your corpse into a trophy."

Silence ensued.

"Might have been better off keeping that one to yourself" remarked Sunshine at last.

"Right then. We'd better get a move on! Pirates are not really welcome round here. Should be though. That Top Hat would make a cracking parrot."

"Nonsense, you're no pirate!" laughed Grampus. "But, er, losing the eyepatch might be a idea. And the name."

"Aye, maybe I will. Thank you all for everything!"

"Yes!" chimed in the old tug "Very kind of you! Now, he's not going to get into no trouble, are you, Rogue?"

"No, Old Man." growled Sea Rogue through his teeth. "Come on then, let's go home!"

"That'll be nice!"

Ten Cents and Sunshine watched as the two tugs turned the corner up river, before looking at each other and letting out a a deep sigh, reliving all of the tension in their bodies.

"You know, I'm really sad to see them go. Sea Rogue reminds me a lot of me, you know. Dashing, confident, a cunning strategist, willing to do what it takes for the good of others-"

Sunshine looked Ten Cents up and down. "I, er, don't see it."

With a bright and loud whistle, a familiar figure crept into the harbor. Hercules, looking the worst for the wear following a very long and hard grapple with a few bottles of some rather potent vodka from Russia, stumbled around, and responded to his name being called by riding forward. "Ah, Ten Cents-" He said, unsteadily, as though at any moment Ten Cents would turn out to be a hallucination induced by alcohol "-those the two that you rescued?"

"Yeah, they helped me...er, us, find the stolen barges. "

"Captain Star says you've done a great job, m'dear. He also says that he's going to give you a rather large pay raise. Personally, I think that's his way of trying to get you back on his side again."

"I suppose I couldn't have done it without Grampus and Sunshine."

"Well, good work, m'dears! I'm off to get sobered up!" Hercules wobbled off in the vague direction of the waterworks, and as the other three gave him their thanks, he headed for the nearest bit of cold water coming down.

"Well, time I was off. Got to report back to base, and, er, give my testimony." Grampus honked his horn. "Nice wokring with you, Ten Cents. Next time, though, can we please do something more relaxing?"

"Oh, you love it, really! Thanks Grampus. I really do mean that." Ten Cents and Grampus shared a smile as the latter headed off for home. Ten Cents's smile dropped the second he saw Zip and Zug in the corner of the docks. "Oi, is that...Zip and Zug! I want a word with them!"

"Now, Ten Cents, try not to murder them, you've only juscht been cleared of this crime, lad!"

Ten Cents grinned savagely, and whispered something to the smaller switcher. They approached the still twitchy Z-Stacks tentatively. "Yeah, well, Sunshine, nice of you to say, but I think we owe the biggest thanks to these two over here!"

Zug spat towards the direction of Ten Cents "Well...um, well obviously someone had to flush out those dastardly pirates, so...we did?"

"We didn't really think it was you!" wheedled Zip.

"Oh no?" Ten Cents's grin dropped faster than Zak's popularity levels. "Well, you could have fooled me and no mistake. Eh, Sunshine?"

"Yeah! But, weren't you boys juscht a little bit scared?! I would have been!"

"Ah, well, no, you see that is the difference between you Star Tugs and us! Nothing phases us, does it, Zip?!"

"No!" Zip frowned, as Zug backed down smugly. "WAIT ZIP YOU'RE RIGHT NEXT TO THE-"

As some of the leftover flares went off, sending sparks flying and breaking the silent tranquility of the morning light, both Z-Stacks howled aloud and began running back to Zero to weep and complain and whine.

"Well!" Sunshine grinned. "Those acting classes must be paying off, because they do a really good impression of scared!"

"Yeah, right!" And the two friends laughed at the fact that two tugs were nearly burnt to a crisp by a bunch of flares.

In retrospect, that sounds a great deal more sinister than was probably intended at the time.

...

1989.

"And that was it."

"Really?"

"Well...I tell a lie actually. Sea Rogue and the Old Man returned a number of times over the years, they had family down this way, really across the entire coast, so they always had plenty of reason to come back and visit us. Last I had heard of them, Sea Rogue had ended up changing his name to something less suspicious, and became a public speaker for Albino Rights. As for the Green Eyes, we never saw them again, never heard of them neither. Well, aside from one little rumor that went around shortly afterwards, mostly by the business owners. Apparently, Admiral Bluenose was rumored to have been ordered to let them off on the sly, because they were needed for something or other."

"What was that?"

"We were never sure. I have my own theory, which is why I must insist that anything I say now not be included in the broadcast, Mr Mitton. You see, when we recovered the barges, we discovered that half of them, the ones that Sea Rogue had first delivered had been...dissected. In a way as to try and understand what, if anything, created the strange life inside the vehicles that are located in specific places around the world. I was later to learn that similar information had been passed onto Bluenose himself, though he never did anything with it. There were rumors, again ones that I can't back up, that they went to a place simply known as the Other Railway. And there, I have no idea what happened to them. Can we-"

"Sure, I'll stop the tape, we'll continue tomorrow?"

"Sounds fine to me."

"Great."

CLICK.


	5. Trapped Part 1

CLICK.

"Okay, so, er, Allen, my team has been listening to the audio of your story, and, well to put it bluntly, they love it!"

"Oh, well, I am very glad!"

"There is just one thing though, they are curious about something that you mentioned in the story, uh, hold about let me look for it-"

"Do you want me to-?"

"No, no, I can manage. Ah, here it is! You mentioned a place called 'Up River' during our last session, and they were very much curious as to whether or not you had anything to add on that."

"It's funny you mention that, David, because I was looking back over some of my notes. Not long after the incident with Sea Rogue and his uncle, there was a incident in the place that they called 'Up River' that I think would be very interesting to you."

"I am all ears, Allen."

"Well, first of all, you have to understand that our business, as I am sure you have gathered, was very territorial. Perhaps it would have been a great deal easier, not just for us, but for the ones in charge of handing out contracts to our firm, to stick with one fleet of tugs as compared to starting a vicious bidding war between myself and Zero, but they seemed to enjoy watching us squabble. But there are times, hard as it is to believe, that we were forced to collaborate together on projects of larger sizes that would make even a full fleet struggle on it's own. Now, this time in particular that I remember was when timber and tanning bark was needed to be brought down from the mythical place of Up River. To the tugs, it was a dreamy place. Not as crowded or as industrial as the Bigg City Port, the myths were that if you were a really good boat, you would go there after your time had passed and rest there for...well, forever, I assume. It's a different place now. I think they built a amusement park there not too long ago. Technology, am I right? But I'm getting off track."

...

 _"This year especially, it was important that we worked together. I told the tugs that much myself. They started laughing uncontrollably when I said that. I don't think they took me that seriously. In retrospect, it was perhaps a foolish attempt. After all, I got it on good authority that Zero's pep talk to his men was something along the line of "Job first, and then ye can have as much fun with the Star Flubs as ye want! Zak, for the love of god, don't set things on fire again, I had a right earful last time". But Zug was having a hard time of it, as he was towing a old hulk that was long past it's sell by date. And no, for once, he wasn't pulling Top Hat. He was rather late as he pulled it along with him. And the others didn't help."_

Zip and Zak were busy making sure that their barges were properly tied to themselves, and were chatting. Or at least, Zip was chatting at a very fast speed and Zak interjected a few grunts and groans to make out that he was even remotely interested in the conversation. Deep done, he was turning over what it was that made Zorran so, for lack of a better term, indispensable to Captain Zero. And what he could do to get it.

"Hey, Zug! Yoo hoo! Coo-ee!"

"Zug! You lazy sod!"

"Rich coming from you, Zak" muttered Zug.

"Zorran's going mad waiting for you!"

"You mean he wasn't already!? Could have fooled me!"

...

LAST NIGHT, AT THE BRIDGE CAFE.

"TAKE IT OFF!"

"Zorran, please, you've had one too many-"

"TAKE IT ALL OFF, BABY!"

"Zorran, you're talking to a piano."

"You diving bell dimwit! I know that!" Zorran frowned "Why does the sky twirl around?"

"Oh, that's nice, that is!" said David the Diving Bell as Zorran promptly decided that he was going to be a submarine and turned upside down in the water.

...

"So, is that why Zebedee locked himself in his port and refused to come out for anything?"

"No. Actually that has more to do with the fact that Zorran believed him to be a 'Kraut in disguise' and insisted on slamming him several times into the nearest part of the cliffs." Zug shook his head. "Wait! Why am I even wasting my time with you sorry lot!? Captain Zero gave me the important mission of shoving this here old rustbucket to the breakers yard! Burke and Blair'll get some real usage out of that!"

"You tell Zorran that. And watch his reaction. He's not going to like it!" Zak laughed. Watching other tugs get hurt was always funny to Zak. It was probably the only thing that kept him going other than the idea that one day he'd get the chance to take Zorran's place.

"I'm only carrying out orders! And orders from 'im on top! Zorran can't blame me!"

"Have you met Zorran before?"

"A fair point, Zip."

"Don't you believe it!" And with that, both Zip and Zak departed back down the river, briefly becoming the best of friends as they mocked Zug relentlessly. And they say friendship is a thing of the past.

...

"Please tell me that's not who I think it is."

"It's who you think it is, boyo."

"THIS IS WHY NO ONE LIKES, OJ!" raged Top Hat, as he hurried away from the short, low in the water tug making his way forward, a cocky grin on his face to match his cocky mustache, and a large barge filled with barrels helpfully labelled TNT on it.

 _"An alligator tug named Billy Shoepack worked up river. He was...for lack of a better term, completely nuts. He often was the one who had deliver essentials to the ones who worked up there from Midsville, such as gasoline, ropes, fuses and dynamite. Which wouldn't be so bad if it wasn't for the fact that he constantly blew up whatever was in the way of him. He had formerly been a member of the Salvage Fleet along with Sunshine, though the two had never really interacted much, and Shoepack had been rapidly dropped by the Fleet once they worked out that his idea of salvage was to blow it all to hell and hope that nothing valuable was in there. Why an alligator tug? Well, as many people said, and you can see, he was just as low in the water. Also, because he had the dinner manners of one as well. And in Billy's case, he was just as dangerous and, on occasion, ethical as one at the same time."_

"Look who's here! Shoepack, the alligator tug!"

"We. NOTICED." growled Big Mac. Last time he had met Shoepack, he had come away with a soot covered face and a seething hatred of dynamite.

Shoepack would have touched his cap, if he had hands. He spoke with a rather thick West Country accent (rumors that he would later tutor a green Pannier tank engine on how to speak like this have never been confirmed) "Hey, Star Tugs, ain't you ever wondering why you ain't carrying something more exciting than wood!?"

"No."

"Ah." Billy deflated "I...I was kind of hoping for more of a debate-"

"Get that stuff out of here, ye wee snake oil salesmen. Ye're welcome to it."

"Dynamite is exciting! There's lots of lovely sounds to be made from it! Boom! Bang! Crash!"

"No thank you, sonny." OJ shivered. "I was there in the last war. I've had it up to hear with booms, and bangs, and ESPECIALLY crashes."

"It's all fairly harmless if you know how to handle it, like I do! Good thing them up at Munitions knew that I was good at it, I was wasted in the Salvage fleet!"

"You're not unloading next to us, are you!?" said OJ, panic in his voice. His hat began to quiver somewhat nervously at the thought of Billy 'Vesuvius' Shoepack being close to him with any sort of explosive. Especially when he had that strange little grin on his face.

"Fraid so Otis!"

"OTIS?!" OJ was enraged. Despite the fact that the Bigg City was supposedly located around about America, he was very proud of his Welsh heritage. Calling him that American name was like waving a red flag to a very angry bull who would most likely belt out Land of My Father as he tried to murder you.

"Don't worry though! It goes up, we all go up!" Shoepack found this funny. He was the only one.

"EH?!" Big Mac looked as though he was on the verge of crushing the alligator tug right where he stood. Shoepack may have been a bit of a nutcase, but even he knew that arguing that it was a mere joke with the big tug was akin to committing suicide in a very painful way.

"Just a joke! Just a joke! It's all unlit!"

"It better be!" Big Mac growled. "Or there won't be enough of ye for yer former crew ta salvage!"

...

At Mittsville, the logging town, Zug tried very, very carefully to make his way in without being noticed at all.

Unfortunately, the massive rusting boat didn't seem to care as much as Zug did about trying not to make a scene and attract any unwanted attention towards him. _It's all right for him_ , Zug groaned in his head, _he's dead! What does he have to worry about?_ The old tramp steamer (No relationship to Izzy Gomez, unfortunately, despite the fact that the Bigg City had had several complaints from the Mexicans living in the area about how culturally insensitive he was) was making towing very hard for Zug.

He was also rather worried about meeting up with Zorran, but really, what were the odds of-

"What are you doing here?"

Zug froze both physically and mentally as the very familiar voice cut through the air. His mind went into overdrive trying to work out which excuse would work best.

"We're all on log duty! Or did you forget? What am I saying, you're you."

"Aheh! Heh! Uh! Um! Oh! Indeed, ah, yes, Zorran, I, um, seem to recall-" Zug was floundering, and he certainly knew it. The term RROD hadn't been invented yet, but it is perhaps an apt use of the term to describe what was happening to Zug's mind at this very moment "Captain Zero said for me to take it to the Breaker's yard, on my way! You know, to the super important thing with the logs and such, you know how it is!"

"On your way?!" Zorran frowned, even more so than usual "That's a mile further up river!"

"Well you wouldn't believe this, but a giant mermaid said that she would grant me three wishes or something along those lines, and I must have been so distracted that I went the wrong way!" Zug began to laugh, on the verge of hysteria, and grinned widely, in the vain hope that Zorran would let it go.

"Pull the other one, that was Zebedee's excuse for why he's not doing work! Some such claptrap about me getting drunk! ME! DRUNK!? I have been waiting here for you clod to get here for so long, I feel like I've anchored here and rusted away! You're killing me, Zug! All of you are slowly, painfully and violently killing me with your incompetence!"

"But, er, we have to do what the Captain says, Zorran! Isn't that kind of the point of why we follow him? And, well, not to put too fine a point on it, but if they don't get this now, they won't take it at all! And that'll piss him off and no mistake! There's so much breaking up to do, you see-"

"Including you, I shouldn't wonder, if you don't get that dirty rudder of yours moving!"

"I can't!" Zug was keenly aware that Zorran would have no problems telling Zak to, er, deal with him. "It's the current! It's far too fast and strong for me! You can see that! Especially for a little old switcher like me!"

"Fine, you lazy bum. Let's get it there now, before we have to have our bloody smokestacks wrung by Captain Zero!" Zorran growled and snorted angrily, the hangover only making it worse as he joined Zup with the pulling. "Fast as we can!"

"Thanks, Zorro!"

"You call me that again, and I will make sure that Davy Jones's locker gets a new vacancy for a gormless twit! Never mind the thanks, get moving, I want to grab as much of the praise off the logging company as I can. Get full speed up! Come on, come on, you call that moving?! What the hell gave you that idea, a snail!? Move it, move it-" and like a demented drill sergeant, Zorran drove Zug up through the current with great force and sheer will of character alone.

"D-don't push so hard, Zorran, I can't keep ahead! Also, because that tramper really has a rusty front-"

"Faster! For god's sake, I want to go home at the end of the day and actually get some kip instead of having Captain Zero bawl me out for something that isn't even my fault, you bloody nancy!"

"I'm going as fast as I can-"

"PULL, YOU SON OF A COW! The tow's getting slack!"

"I can't hold it! Stop pushing!"

"HOLD IT TIGHT, YOU-" Zorran stared in bafflement as he promptly passed Zug, who was himself staring at the tramper in horror "-fool?"

"I'm trying!" wailed Zug, who looked as though his face was melting, so great was his shock.

"HOLD IT!" Zorran screamed in desperation. "HOLD IT! HOLD IT HOLD IT HOLD IT!" Unbeknowest to him, somehow despite the fact that he had seen that Zug had lost control of the tow rope, he was effectively pushing the tramper sideways, blocking the river completely. All the while, Zug was wailing and gnashing his teeth like some old time damsel who had been snared by a dastardly villain.

"It's got to go!"

CRUNCH.

So it did.

Zorran stared blankly for a moment at the very large dam that had now formed across the river. He was a tug of simple nature, behind all the bluster and scheming, and it took him a few seconds to work out what exactly had happened.

Naturally, he blamed Zug for this.

"It's blocked the river!" said Zug in complete shock, and also in what has to be one of the biggest and most obvious understatements ever recorded by man, boat, engine or otherwise. It's up there a bit with "Crikey, that iceberg looks a bit bad, don't it, Captain?" and "You know, this Hitler chappie is putting us all in a bit of a pickle, isn't he?" with great understatements of history.

"COURSE IT IS YOU GREAT STEAMING NIT!" bellowed Zorran, so angry that his cap promptly did a backflip out of sheer rage.

"I'm trapped! What should I do!?"

"Wait there until Salvage gets there!" Zorran cackled to himself, having gone slightly mad from a combination of the stress and the hangover.

"But they could be ages getting here! I don't wanna be on my own!" said Zug, throwing a Zip-esque tantrum.

"Oh don't worry! You've got all the Star Tugs on your side! Ha! You can have a jolly old time getting the crap kicked out of you! And since most of them are up there with you, and the only ones left are Warrior, who is a idiot like you, and Hercules, who is busy somewhere, no doubt flirting with something-"

...

"Hey baby! Are you a diving bell? Because I'd bet you'd look great going down!"

One slap to the face with a rudder later, and Hercules ruefully turned to Lillie. "So there you are. That's the worst of my pickup lines."

"So, would you like to see me go down?" Lillie asked, waggling her eyebrows. Hercules promptly choked on his seaweed and coconut ale.

...

"-that leaves the entire harbor to us Z-Stacks! Captain Zero will be pleased! He shall give me a medal, and I shall become his heir! That'll be one in the rudder for old Zak, now won't it?"

"Don't leave me here!" wailed Zug, wondering in the back of his mind if this was what Zip constantly felt like.

"Sorry Zug. We'll just have to manage without you. Not that they'll likely tell the difference!" And Zorran left, laughing at his own incredibly stupid joke.

 _"The old tramper was now a barrier across the river, and Zug was stuck on the wrong side. Especially considering that Big Mac was on that side, and Big Mac could likely kill a tug just by staring at it with great hatred. And then, of course, Top Hat arrived, which always made things ten times worse."_

"I SAY!" said Top Hat, throwing as much upper class ham into his stammering of rage as he could "We can't get down river! You stinking great stinker, you!"

Zug began laughing, partly in an attempt to try and salvage as much as his pride as he could, partly because he was so incredibly stressed it felt rather cathartic to let it all out. "It's not my fault! I have no idea what this is! What even is a tramper?! What can I do?! I don't even know what I'm doing on this river! In fact, what even is a river?!"

"We'll never get that cleared on our own" Sunshine remarked. "Would have taken about five of usch schwitchers juscht to get it to schafety before!"

"That means we're stuck up here! Dash and blow!" Top Hat was so outraged by this, his monocle shuddered in sympathy.

"Aye, probably. So, you all right, Zug?" Sunshine was rather calm about the situation. He saw it thus: There is no point in getting worked up until we know that there is no way past this. Top Hat subscribed to a different school of thought which was: Panic, panic, at all costs, damn the trade unions.

"We were taking it up river, and, er, well the tide sort of threw it across and jammed it!"

"Aye, well, it'sch not your fault. Once it schtarts to go, you cannae stop it." Sunshine's Big Mac impersonation needed work. He was in a reflective mood on this fine sunny day. It wasn't like they were going anywhere, so they might as well have a nice chat and a nice view of all of the lovely fauna while he thought of a way to get past the blockade.

Top Hat, of course, had to spoil it by ranting about the lower class and how they were clearly biased against such loving and kind upper class tugs such as he. Sunshine had quickly learnt to tune him out, mostly thanks to some help from Ten Cents on the matter.

"Yes, we found that out!"

"But, dash it all, Sunshine! It's put the blinkers on getting back to Bigg City in time!" Top Hat was rather on edge, he had never really been late on one of the log deliveries before, a fact in which he took pride in despite the fact that this Jobi Wood gave him allergies if he got too close to it. The idea of losing, and all because of a Z-Stack, was not a thought that made him happy. Or as happy as Top Hat ever gets in these situations.

"And it's going to hold up delivery! Yes, I know, schorry, started thinking, won't ever do that again. Right then." Sunshine looked the tramper over, carefully, as if to see if there was a weak point that he could attack so as to get through. There wasn't, to his eyes. "So I'll head back up river for help, I'll get, er, cranes...or schomething!"

"Be as quick as you can! I dislike having to talk to the workers for longer than a minute, and I'm already beginning to think that this jobi wood is giving me rashes!"

...

 _"At Mittsvile, down river, away from the blockage, Zorran was quietly cackling to himself maniacally and enjoying the idea that he had bested the Star-Fleet, when he was surprised suddenly by a familiar toot. He quickly saw that Ten Cents was heading his way, and realized with some distress that he hadn't quite trapped all of the Star Tugs up that way."_

Zorran's mind was rapidly beginning to fill with images of Captain Zero reporting him to the courts, the news about his rather rowdy last night hitting the papers, all the laughing. He quickly approached Ten Cents, stammering out "Ah, it's, er, it's you. Morning Ten Cents!"

"Zorran." Ten Cents looked around, but there was no sign of any of the other Z-Stacks. Nor of the Star-Fleet, which was worrying, as by now production should have been going a lot faster, and therefore the transportation of the timber should have been going along at a great rate. "Ere, what's going on?"

"I thought you were at the logging camp!"

"Yeah, wrong again, Zorran. Nice submarine impression last night." And so saying, Ten Cents moved off, leaving Zorran to stew furiously. "Got pulled out, didn't I? Special delivery for Mittsville, machinery for timber cutting!"

"Huh. I thought all the Stars were up river." Not for the first time in his long life, Zorran began to wonder if perhaps his cunning plan was neither that cunning, or really much of a plan in the long run.

"So, what's going on?"

"Er...well, you'll laugh when you hear this, but there's been some sort of accident up river. Tramper's gone haywire and is blocking the river...probably not that big a deal."

"WHAT!? You mean that no one will get through?! How is that not a big deal?! None of us are going to get paid!"

This had evidently not occurred to Zorran, who immediately began to panic and sweat. If there was one thing Zero hated above all other things, it was the trade unions. But after that was the idea of losing more money. "Yeah, you got it in one, Ten Cents! My, you are a little smartie, aren't you? So quick on the mark, eh?! Hahahahahaha!" Anyone paying attention could hear the distinct note of nervousness behind Zorran's words. The drink had really rattled him, turning the usually on top of everything tug into...well, whatever the hell Zorran was at the moment.

"We'll be behind schedule, and all me mates are trapped up river! What are the odds!?"

"And Zug, the bloody fool!" Zorran affected a look of grief on his face, but Ten Cents wasn't fooled for a minute.

"I'll tie my barge off, and then I'll head on up there! Ten Cents to the rescue, again! I am the only competent person in this entire harbor! Where are you off? Back to port to get help?"

"Oh, of course!" fawned Zorran "Off to tell Captain Zero, you know, stuff like that! Don't fret!"

"Tell Captain Star, won't you?"

"Who? Oh, er, yeah, of course!"

The second Ten Cents was out of ear shot, Zorran muttered "What a idiot." and headed for the nearest pub to steady his nerves a little. "Captain Star, Captain Zero and the salvage team! Leave it all to me, Ten Cents! And here I thought he was the smart one."


End file.
